Thank you very much for your wise words, and for sharing your own experience. So far the relationship has given me far more happiness than it has taken, but I feel this is about to change. He has made no alterations to his relationship with the other woman, while I have been rejected quite hurtfully a few times lately. Of course hurtful priorization is invitable in such a three-some. Because I am the one who knows about it all, he can be honest with me, but not her. For example, he felt too stressed in his mind to see me in the last couple of weeks before Christmas, which is one of his annual vacations to her. He always wants to limit our visits (we live far apart as well) to 2-3 days, but his visits to her last for 2-3 weeks. I believe he is genuine when he says this is because he is himself with me, but have to “act a little” with her. But it doesn’t take away the glaring truth that his feelings for me is not strong enough to risk anything.

And like you say, I have to be compassionate about my own needs. Of course the “I am not enough” thoughts are lurking in my mind, and that’s bad for me. But the alternative (leaving him) will also make me very miserable. I will eventually deal with the sorrow of loosing him. But loving myself is not enough, I want a special someone to share my happy and sorrows with. And I am bound to go back into my self-protective “no love” modus, where I have been almost all my adult life, rather than greeting life and letting love happen by its own. I had actually not been in a relationship for 15 years when I dared to get involved with him. What I want right now, is to have less feelings for him, and go back to enjoying the relationship for what it is.

Sorry for the messy posting, it likely mirrors the mess in my mind right now.