Hi Yoyo,

I have been labeled by last BF as someone who cuts people out of their life. His awareness and thoughts about this label he gave me made him feel insecure about if it would happen to him. I do not know if my behavior is the same as your partners or different but I will explain and you can decide.

Someone can easily say that the reason I haven’t talked to my brother in over 5 years, is because of one fight we had. Or someone can say that the reason I cut out my friend of two years is because she asked me to pick up a friend and I didn’t want to. However, the truth is that there is much more behind these situations. It took me some time to realize that some people in my life were using me and ok with that, ok with me protesting and setting boundaries and them ignoring and intentionally breaking them for their selfishness. So while a particular incident may be the last one that we encountered to end a relationship, that last incident was not the entire reason that I cut these people out.

Now if you ask me why I waited two years before I cut out the friend. Why did I wait so long? It is because it was at a time that recognizing these manipulative ways of others did not come as easily to me.

So I wonder now, if your BF actually has a reason that would be a valid one to you but is he just not as able to identify and articulate it?

Or possibly is he being overreactive and hypersensitive, by your standards, and cutting people out before they hurt him?

I am presenting these two different perspectives as I honestly do not know which it is or a combo of the two or something I didn’t consider.

I have to be honest though, some of the things you describe I too would be upset about. If my BF walked out of the house upset without saying goodbye I may take a step back. Actually, I did have this discussion with him. I asked him to please agree in the future that he would at least come to me and state that ” I need some time alone and am going to leave for a bit but will call you in _______ time.” When he did this and walked out without a word the therapist also spoke to him about having “silent anger” and that withholding affection and giving a person the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. That he needed to put a time limit on his “fit” and announce it to me, then go take his space.

Also, the gift issue to me may upset me in a partner. It may communicate to me that my partner is unable to see for themself the need to set healthy boundaries with the opposite sex. Or that we disagree on what healthy boundaries are and then this could be an ongoing issue in the relationship. It is certainly worthy of me having a serious talk with my partner.

Please hear that you asked for someone to help you understand. I am not saying he is right, or that you are not right. I don’t think that would matter to think in those terms. I am just trying to see if I can offer a perspective that may shed some understanding to it for you maybe.

I hope that you two are able to have a conversation where you two can get a good understanding of each other, for you to know clearly where this is coming from in him and for you to understand if it is in fact something the two of you can deal with or not.