Thank you both so much for your replies! It feels incredibly good to know that I’m not the only one going through a situation like this. You both had so many good points that I could completely relate to. I think it plays a huge role on the outcome when we are just making it work so hard and in a way pretending to be something else, like a “better” version of ourselves. And that obviously comes from the fear of not being enough and not loving ourselves the way we should. Just like you guys said.

I have been through a roller coaster of emotion this week. The day I wrote this it came from a very rational place and wanting to have something tangible to improve myself on in order to not do the same mistake twice. And everyday this week I’ve had so many ups and downs that I’ve questioned my rational, accepting side many times. I think the main observation from this week is that I am still not over this relationship (and I shouldn’t even be, it’s only been a week!) and have been hoping that one day we will be together, if only I would be able to love myself so that he could do the same as a consequence. But yesterday I had a real light bulb moment and realized that by saying to myself that I need to love myself more in order for there to be love between us, I’m actually blaming myself for the end of the relationship, and even though it’s good to want to love myself more, I’m also saying that I have got to change something in order to be loved. And it’s so contradictory! And it just occurred to me that maybe, like I said in my original post, I was already whole and loved myself enough to start a new relationship and love, but maybe it’s not because of me and because of a lack of self-love that it didn’t work out, maybe it’s just not the right person or situation? I feel like I’ve been blaming myself because the relationship didn’t work out. And that’s not loving myself.

I am a highly analytical person and would do anything to figure out what went wrong in this relationship in order to make it work. But I think I need to accept that sometimes you just can’t fix yourself in order to get something you want. It takes two to tango and it could be that I AM capable of loving and of being loved in return. It’s the over analyzing and making things complicated that is not beneficial. I’ve decided to be more “organic” in what I do, trust my feelings and not try to make it work so hard. I’m going to focus on myself, just like you guys, but not in order to “improve” myself but to accept that it’s okay to feel a bit broken and confused, not being able to rationalize and define your emotions. I’m in a state where nothing makes sense, but the difference to before is that I no longer feel the need to pinpoint what it is that I’m feeling/felt. It’s okay to be confused sometimes without the need to look for a “cure”.