Anna,

I am a 29 year old female. I understand what its like to be in your daughters shoes and I also have the perspective of seeing how complicated this is for you. My Mom had this difficulty as well. My older sister didnt like my Step Dad and she did what she wanted against anyone’s wishes in the home. She was disrespectful to all involved. I understand that it was hard for my mom to choose or feel that she had to choose between her hub/bf and her children. In all honesty, I felt a lot of disconnect with my Mom when my step Dad entered the picture. And, I felt she chose her bf and husband over her children. My Mom was outright disrespected by my older siblings and her bf/hubby was forced to watch it all while adding his supportive commentary when he could without upsetting “the crowd” Addiction is also a rough factor and is a risk for your bf/husband. He has chosen a life path for him that he thought was safe and has been safe for him to heal and work through his addictions…. I see it as amazing. Everyone in the family deserves to feel safe under healthy conditions. This doesnt seem right though. I am sure he bites his tongue to avoid upsetting your daughter. Im sure she is a sweet love bug of a daughter but causes issues with being obstinate. Truth is… From my perspective I can relate to the way she feels or could feel if you put your foot down. Things she would blame and people she would blame… You and your boyfriend. truth is that IS who she is going to blame. Because she IS in the midst of addiction HERSELF. Until she realizes this she is only drowning. I once listened to an NA speech and a guy said, ” IF YOU BABY THE ADDICT, YOU BURY THE ADDICT”. Unf. The support you are giving her bc you love her and want her safe is actually keeping her from making smart choices. Im sorry but I am siding with YOU. Not her. She’s going to need to hit the bottom literally. Even if you see the situation as normal 20 year old behavior.. It will escalate unless someone stops her NOW. And, also lift herself up on her own. This isnt something you can help with other than to sit down with her and give it to her. The behavior and lifestyle is her choice. She knows the rules. The rules are… Not to to bring this home(your home). To her, you WILL be the bad guy. Your boyfriend too. She will lash out. But, she ALSO has ALL the ability and skills that you have given her through the years. She knows how to fix this. its time she stand up and take responsibility for her actions. My Mom talks to me now and my sister as well that she wishes she could have done more for us. She wishes she could have made things easier. At the end of the day… I am so thankful that my Mom took a stand when she did and trusted herself at the time enough to know she raised her kids well. And thankful she played the mean guy.. We NEEDED her to be that. We desperately NEEDED that from her, although we would never tell her that at the time. Now, we have each evaded addiction, trouble, and ruin. She is PROUD of us! The truth is.. We are so proud of HER. We werent easy to handle. We were brats! She saved us. Although it was the hardest thing to go through in life. We had ALL the tools we needed. And it was our time to fly! Its not easy for Mama Birds to push their kids out of the nest. But, as nature proves- its vital for growth. Your daughter is going to be on her way to achieving more than she ever thought possible. She needs one last encouraging push to get her going. She will thank you one day. I promise.

<3
PS- You may not be ready to do the final push now, but maybe you could sit down with her just you two and explain how much you love her. Have a real heart to heart long talk. Spend time with her. Show her how much you care for her. Show her how much she means to you and explain what is going to happen if this continues a single time ever again. She needs a full few hours of your undivided attention having a good time and enjoy eachother, then slowly bring on “the talk” She will then know you’re serious. And, then you will have your ducks lined up to NOT blame yourself when she stumbles after you push her harder to leave or shape up. She needs to feel like SHE is the important one and its not about the BF. She needs to know YOU love and care and you WILL do whatever it takes to be MOM.