KMW, Wow! What a feeling when somebody “gets it.” Amazing!

I wonder, Do you think your husband can ever see who you genuinely are? Does this bother you?

I see so much truth in your post.

I am struggling to make sense of many of the pieces of our relationship.

Unfortunately, breaking up is not up to me. I don’t want distance from him. I just want distance from the dysfunction that he brings to me. However, I do not have BPD. I know that I cannot “split” him that way.

I have thought that he has BPD. I have read up on it very much and have been successful in dealing with him as tho he actually has NPD or BPD. I found info on how schema therapy can be helpful, and it was indeed. I accepted the role of being the emotional caretaker of the relationship, the “adult.” Like you say, exhausting at times.

Last year, I flat out went to our therapist and said I felt my bf had BPD. I was told that we all have traits of things and it is all on a continuum, however he did not think he had a diagnosable amount of BPD “traits.” He has never been self injurious, he does not fear friends abandoning him, it is just dynamics with people that are very close to him that he gets that way. (His mom, or partner, sees his kid as an all good extension for narcissistic supply) I agree with you. I feel so validated by your observations. I feel he has a mild type of BPD.

Our therapist admitted that his ego identity is not fully developed and that it needed work.

I don’t want a break up. His wife has caused us such harm. Now his daughter has taken her place and has expressed desire to kill us and I do not doubt her wish. However, she is on the golden child pedestal and he is now being coerced and controlled by his teen and he cannot see it. I have had to tell him that she cannot come to our home for visitations because of the threats she has made and I am fearful and feel his codependent behavior contributes to her trying to hurt us. He is not going to renew a lease with me. He wants a home that his daughter can come to 6x a yr for her visitations. I want a home that promotes a greater sense of security for us all….or just me and my son.

Neither of us is budging. I guess I just need to talk it out loud some here to get it more sorted somehow. It is a hard thing.

How do I make peace with a break up that I feel shouldn’t be?
I have never broken up with someone where we both wanted one another. How can this be?

Why am I still clinging onto “what should.”
How do I find acceptance?

I think I will do as you say and browse around the BPD forums, look at the JADE lessons. I just feel like there is something more I need to learn from reviewing our relationship. I do not think it will change the course of things, nothing for the past 7 months has indicated that, but I need it to make more sense somehow.

Thank you so much for kindly sharing your experience. It means so much to me to hear such understanding. I really am glad for the different perspective. I feel just a bit less alone for it. Warm thoughts your way too! 🙂

Thank you KMW!