Dear Kate,

I’m a little unsure whether “I’ve been in your shoe” but then again, because of what is happening/has happened to me, I’m no longer sure at anything anymore. But I see similarities though, and here is the long and short of it and I hope knowing that you aren’t alone will help you a little more.

9 months ago I was living in a foreign city, beautiful but foreign no doubt, albeit having lived there for 7.5 years. It is foreign because I am originally from Asia and I’ve moved to this European city to be with my (ex)husband so that he can be with his family and all. I gave up very good job opportunities, suffered the loneliness in silence but thought I was doing good progress when I found work with kind-good people, made friends and had my little small circle of friends. This is after absolute struggles and heartaches from missing friends and family members.

Then, all of a sudden, literally overnight, he returned home one afternoon to tell me that he was no longer in love with me. And I’m not the sort to be totally “up-in-the-air” type to ignore all the warnings. But we’ve been together for 13 yrs, been though so much (in-vitro to have our baby girl whom just turned 2 last Nov, moved from cities to cities, struggled with the death of his father etc.) We were married for 7 years and I just though we were going through a phase but then it happened.

What followed through was more like a shock. I was told to pack my years worth of belongings from a place I’ve learnt to call home in 4 days and depart with our baby girl. If I don’t leave, he threatened suicide. And with no one to help me look after our daughter, I left heartbroken hoping that it’s just a temporary thing. That he’s just suffering from some kind of depression. I could’ve stayed but he needed professional help. And although I begged for him to let me stay by his side, I was told that I was the reason for his depression.

Long story short, a few months into getting back to my home country (a place I’ve not lived in for almost 20 years), I’ve come to learnt that he’s love for me has died. He said so. And sadly, I feel so too. For all the things said and done, struggles or difficulties, none would’ve mattered if there was “love”. And I told myself I gotta be strong so that my girl wouldn’t suffer the consequences as much.

Fast forward 9 months, I divorced him and obtained full custody of our child. He’s in a limbo, claiming now that being close to his daughter is the “mission of his life” but that “things are just over” between us. Believe me when I said there is no quarrel or hoo-haas. I believe myself to be too heartbroken but I wanted to snap out of it so looked for a job, am no 6 months into it and am settling down into a new but uncertain life.

I’ve tried support group (once) and met some people whom I’d call “friends” today. And I haven’t got many friends but these two that I kinda will go out with once in a while. But divorce is such a lonely matter. I feel defeated and lost. Things written on paper and what I feel don’t seem to synchronize properly. I keep searching on the internet and they all said the same. Allow yourself to grieve, learn to love yourself etc. etc. which I’m doing everything possible. I bought and borrowed left-right and center all the self-help books, enrolled in “hypnotic audio CDs” online and even went for counselling. I’m doing everything possible but 9 months already, I still find myself tearing if I allow myself to which I hate.

But it does get slightly better. I’m not sure better is the right word. But it does get different if you get what I mean. One doesn’t stay in the same state for too long. Foe the better or the worse, I can tell you that things change and will change. You will feel differently even though not necessarily better but definitely different.