He sounds really toxic. If he’s managed to confuse you so much that you don’t trust yourself anymore, then he can almost count on you coming back. It sounds like your identity has been compromised and he’s found a way to ‘control’ you and keep you under his will. The fact that you’ve acknowledged your part in this is huge, just like someone else has said. But don’t make excuses for him and his behaviour. I think your gut is telling you the answer to your question. The fact that you have to ask others whether you have the problems or he just means you don’t trust yourself — but that doesn’t mean you don’t already know the answer. You just want us to say ‘yes, you’re right’, he has all the problems! A relationship is made up of two people. However he treated you and you him, you both gave each other permission to be that way. It’s time to accept that and to ask yourself what kind of treatment you’re willing to accept in the future. Take this relationship as a warning and as a lesson, can you imagine your life like this? Years and years going by in such chaos? Take this ‘pause’ as an opportunity and use this time to really start trusting yourself and your intuition again. Some people just aren’t worth putting in so much effort for.
As for wanting accountability… it’s easier if you learn to let go. He sounds like he’s going to continue ‘suffering’ if he keeps behaving the way he has been, he won’t ever find peace or joy or light. That is karma right there. Focus on you instead, bring those things into your own life.
One more thing for you on your journey to recovering your self-esteem. This book saved my life once when I was in a similar position as you, perhaps it will help you too. “The Language of Letting Go” by Melody Beattie. Just pick it up and read a few pages.. I have a feeling it will speak to you immediately, like it did to me. Good luck on your journey.
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