Hi Will, I hope you are right. Because it is true that my reaction this time was revolutionary, but the pain remains and it is not passing easily.

I have learned self-sufficiency through life as nothing has been given me easily. While my family gave freely to my sister out of consideration, without her even asking, I always had to push to receive what I needed. Also because I understood my parent’s financial difficulties, I did not feel right to depend on them for too long. So I became financially independent very early, while my sister has never taken a job and now depends on other people the same way as on my family before.

But with all this, my financial independence, moving to live alone, and helping my mother financially from time to time, having my emotional distance, I have never thought in my life to say to them goodbye forever. Moreover my true friends all migrated to different countries over the years, and it is very difficult for me to make new friends. Especially to be able to call someone really close, to find someone who really cares about me. People in my country are struggling with hard life and have lost their humanity in the way.

I know this storm will pass and the sun will shine again, but right now I feel devastated. My triumph was that I broke the chains and declared I will no longer stand this kind of treatment. The anger is still very strong in me. But now what. My phone is quiet and it feels really cold.

My therapist said that because my mother destroyed my relationship to my dad, I have learned to depend on my mother in fear, that if I don’t obey to her, the other parent is alienated. Of course I am no longer a child and moreover managing well financially, but the emotional wiring stays. It is through our father figures we learn how to connect with the other person, as the father is the first stranger outside the mother-child symbiosis.

Maybe these feelings will pass with the time and maybe things are not as scary as they seem to me now 🙂 My greatest fear is emotional detachment from the world, that I will become a forever lonely person with no one to love or be loved, no one to remember me. That I may become just a facebook contact to people who actually don’t know anything about my life outside some pictures and events. That if I remove my birth date from my profile, no one will remember to call me, not to think of surprising me for my birthday.

This year is odd. I don’t know if it is the Saturn return around 30. I did not want to celebrate my birthday, so I took a vacation and visited one of my true friends at their current country. We had a picknick on the beach. Then I came home. I made one gathering with my current “friends” which was disappointing and led to my final decision never to call them again because of years of being the convenient friend for them. Then I invited my family, which was not a happy gathering as all of our family gatherings on every occasion. Until several weeks later when this happened.

So long before things actually happened, I had a feeling that I don’t want to spend my birthday here, that it is my country, but not my home. That I haven’t feel at home for long time now, too long, going back to the times I lived with my mother and father under one roof.