Hi Caleb W,

I’m so glad you reached out!

First thing’s first – give yourself more credit on your intelligence. One, you write well, two, you have great self awareness and three, you reached out for help, which is something I wish I had done when I was your age.

I was very similar to you. Rebellious. School and making good grades were not on my list of priorities. They used to be until I tried to be popular and ended up getting in to trouble and started hanging out with the wrong crowd that I met at the detention school I was sent to for six weeks. Lured by the fantasy that drinking, pot and cigs were the best way to get me to where I wanted to be, which was far, far away from my strict father…oh how I wish I had done things differently…

Partying seems like a ton of fun at your age. If you’re one of the lucky few who don’t get in trouble and manage to keep up in school (I just barely flew by because I slacked), then it is fun. However, when you reach my age, thirty, and you are struggling to find yourself because you lost your identity years ago taking the wrong path…well, looking back, taking that path wasn’t worth it. Some days I still feel like a kid, lost and afraid in this world, because I inherited a lot of bad habits along my journey that no longer serve me here and now. I am also rebuilding my relationships with my parents, whom I pushed away a very long time ago. I just didn’t understand them and completely pushed them away when alcohol became my one and only love.

When I got sober three years ago, my eyes opened wide to not only the destruction I caused as a result of alcohol and cigarettes, but to how much I hurt my family and friends. I finally understood that though I thought my parents were cruel…they really just loved the sh*t out of me and were at a loss on how to communicate that. I only saw it as them being jerks, standing in my way to freedom. But then I also looked at their upbringings. Why they acted and reacted the way they did. How they were raised. And by the way – you mentioned your mom might “get over it”. No she won’t. She’ll only hurt more because she loves you unconditionally. And so does your dad.

I thought at your age that I would be just fine, flying along, but I was…wrong. A ton of heartbreak could have been prevented and I might live with the regret that I hurt my family by pushing them away for a long time to come. Once you understand why people do the things they do, whether through their own hurt, fear, etc., etc., it makes it easier to “accept” them. We are all the same, at the end of the day, we just have different ways of communicating.

That said, rather than turn to vices in order to cover up feelings, try to discover what makes you happy. Walking in nature might sound silly to you (might not, idk)…but it helps clear your mind. Writing helps me put my thoughts and feelings on paper and controls the urges to imbibe in things I shouldn’t. Maybe you like to read, dance, listen to music. What is your passion and what makes you tick, because once you spend time discovering that…the true you can shine through and you will find a much better life than one that alcohol, drugs and nicotine can provide you…and THAT I can guarantee you.

You can take my reply to heart or with a grain of salt. Ultimately, the choice is yours. But from someone who is picking up the pieces of their own life, thirteen years later, I can tell you that I wish I had not chosen the path I did. It’s easier to handle feelings if you don’t numb them to begin with, and hopefully you will feel good at the end of every day knowing that you did something more fulfilling than drinking one too many, day in and day out. I can tell you are very talented. You have what it takes to succeed in whatever you set out to do in life. Find what makes you happy.

I wish you the best of luck. Life does get better, but please give it a chance for it to get better before doing something you might regret in the long run…