Dear littlebean,
I really feel with you! I am lucky enough to have found a job I can stomach quite well and which gives me security. However, I used to be an exceptional painter, a songwriter, actress … so many talents, and I followed none of them through to the “end”. But I’m not sad at all about it!

We are being told that we can be everything we want, that the world is just waiting for us, and we are given images by the media of how we could or should be. Then reality hits us: The dream job is actually a nightmare, the talent we have leads us into a lifestyle that does not make us happy, or doesn’t make enough money, the image we had of the person we wanted to be is just that: an image, not something you actually want to live in… Some people ignore it. They stay in the nightmare, because they think cannot let go of that image, that identity they dreamed of. Do you ever wonder why so many actors/stars/executives are drug addicts and in and out of rehab?
Because they have lived their lives based on the recognition/money they get from outside, and they need the drugs to numb the realisation that happiness is something entirely else that has got nothing to do with talents or money or fame.

Life is what happens around us, what we work for, what we actually are, how brave we are and what makes us happy. Littlebean, do not build your happiness or your dreams on the image you had in college. Your worth depends not the least on it!
You know what rock bottom means? It means a stable foundation to build something on that is real! The only thing you need for that is to be brave: Try out jobs until you find one that suits you. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes! Don’t do stuff because you think the world expects it from you. Maybe you will end up as something completely different than you thought you would be, but happy!

In regards to art: It helped me a lot to take the pressure off. Just because I have got the potential it doesn’t mean I have to do it.I can still be a comedian this week or a painter that week. But its not my identity! I do creative stuff when I feel like it, and I accept that it will be not as good as with regular practice, and I won’t get famous. But I get to take care of my plants and eat out with friends and do other stuff I would not have time for otherwise…

I got lost and dont know if I got my point across, anyway I wish you all the best, don’t give up – it’s ok and only natural to have downphases where nothing works. Keep up your confidence and build dreams that would make you happy even if no other person would exist!