Korra, I am in a very similar situation to yours currently, and hope to offer you some advice that I wish had been given me a year ago.

After dating for 5 years my ex and I ‘took a break’ so that we could both work on ourselves and our careers. During this time we both agreed that it would be OK to date other people. The break-up was extremely painful for both of us and after a short period of no contact, we began speaking every week or so as friends. While we both had problems (me fear of commitment and abandonment; him fear of abandonment and anxiety), he had also not chosen a career path and was moving from job to job with no real direction or sense of fulfillment (we are in our late twenties). I thought that giving him space would allow him to ‘grow up’ and find what he needed and it would give me the space to work on my issues as well. Essentially, instead of doing that, he just found someone else and is now in a serious relationship with her. Although he agreed to the break-up at the time, he now says that by my stepping out of his life at that time I was unsupportive of him during an extremely trying time.

It has been about 9 months now and we rarely talk because he does not want his relationship with me to interfere with his current relationship. I fear I have lost him forever.

I wish I had realized that we could have worked through our respective issues together. That he would in no way stifle my career but would enrich my life (which is more important than any job). That the issues and fears that we both had would be most obvious and therefore easiest to deal with INSIDE of a relationship (since fears of commitment and abandonment surface most often when in a relationship). I also feel that my generation (I am in my late twenties) is obsessed with the foolish idea that each person in a relationship needs to be independent, completely self aware and un-needy in a relationship. You cant be in a healthy relationship if you aren’t a perfectly happy, well-rounded person on your own, right? SO WRONG! Our brains are biologically wired for connection. Social isolation will literally make us lose our minds. There is nothing wrong with needing someone in your life to be happy. There is nothing wrong with being scared shitless of commitment – the potential for being hurt is huge. There is also nothing wrong with figuring out who you are and what you want together.

I have also realized there is no such thing as a ‘healthy relationship’ (please read anything by John Gottman for more on this), there is only what works between 2 people. If you were mostly happy together, if this period of relationship doubt is just a bump in the road and not a pattern, then I see no reason to not be together.

I also do not believe in the saying ‘If it’s meant to be, it will be’. It actually pisses me off. For me, that phrase represents giving up on a relationship and being arrogant enough to believe that the universe has some ultimate plan for your life. There is no plan, but there are consequences for your actions – if you choose not to be with someone, chances are you will lose them. I know, because I did.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by Christy.