Dear Korrasumus:
I am not as clearly thinking as at the time I offered you my input above, but I will try to offer you something helpful. I will try: what i am getting from reading your posts, what i am feelings is that you grew up (or “grew in”) alone and lonely. You reached out for your parent/s love and she/ he ignored you, rejected you… and now you reach out to this guy and when you had the week with him it felt so good, didn’t it? That feeling of CONNECTION, of loving and BEING LOVED… isn’t it the most wonderful thing in the world? I mean, isn’t it like dying of thirst and finally drinking lots of cold water (or whatever your favorite cold drink is)? Oh, do we want more of it… do we crave it- since childhood we crave it. We crave it because we didn’t get it then and because no matter our age, we need it. We are all needy of connection, of love- it is a biological need, nothing unique to you, not a matter of choice (can’t help it) and nothing to be ashamed of.

So here is this guy you are writing about and it becomes so much about him, isn’t it- when all along it is about you. It becomes: what does HE feel now? What will HE feel tomorrow? Will he choose me? Will fate choose us? Will we live happily ever after?

It is called External Locus of Control- when your well being is depended, in your mind, in someone else’s choices, or in fate’s choice, something external to you (therefore External L.O.C., the term in the previous line). For as long as your focus is him or fate or the statistics of what is likely to happen- you are avoiding the GREATEST and only reliable source of information- yourself.

Relying on yourself for information leads to Internal Locus of Control kind of life.
How do you, how do I rely on myself? If your therapist is a good, effective therapist he/ she should be able to teach you the SKILLS required to connect – to re-connect to yourself, to come back to the part of you that you dissociated from so to endure the childhood anxiety of being alone. That fear is intense. what you needed then was the SOOTHING connection with a parent. You didn’t get it and fear becomes intense, overwhelming.

Without soothing connection, we can’t deal with fear, so we dissociate, deny our feelings, our fear, our (normal) neediness, even feel ashamed of all these… And now, with this guy- and the guy before him- the soothing connection is intoxicating but the healing needed is far from being a happy/ intoxicating experience. It is a difficult long process. It can be worked on outside of a romantic relationship but within a relationship with a good therapist.

What do you think so far about what I wrote? If it is meaningful to you, tell me how is the thrapy going? Does your therapist give you homework? is it a cognitive behavior therapy? Did the therapist mention or teach you Mindfulness? Go over interpersonal skills??? What has been going on in your therapy?

Take care:
anita