Dear unknownanne:
THe answer, the advice you need is in your name: UNKNOWN Anne. The advice is: get to know Anne. Let someone else get to know Anne. In the context of psychotherapy with a good therapist perhaps?

The walls you have around you- to keep people and to keep yourself from feeling again the hurt of being alive, of trying to love and be loved- obviously the hurt you felt made you so scared- you don’t want to feel that hurt again…

Only you are hurting anyway, even with those walls. Those walls do not do a great job at making you happy enough, do they?

In the context of a good enough relationship, therapy… break a tiny bit of the wall… a bit at a time. But you cannot do it alone. I would say you need a supporting relationship to do this that you need. But you need a reliable person to be in a relationship with. Which is a tough one because you are so afraid. So, I am coming back a full circle to good psychotherapy.

Hope this is helpful.
anita