Dear titanshiny:
I hope you are patient with yourself. Healing is a slow process, a step ahead, a few steps back. There is no fast correcting what we falsely believe and what we feel in accordance to those false beliefs. It takes time and effort and taking breaks when you are overwhelmed.

You list your neediness as a flaw- no, no, no- it is not a flaw, it is being human. Trying to pretend you have no needs or that you shouldn’t have needs is not congruent with reality and therefore is flawed thinking.

You use every real or imagined flaw, imperfection in you to justify another’s lack of love and/ or abusive behavior toward you. It is a trap because you- like everyone else- will never be perfect, whatever it means.

You believe you are not loveable, not worthy of love, of attention, of someone staying with you lovingly. So you try your best to … be worthy of love by denying yourself, shrinking yourself even more… how strong that NEED for love is… you will do anything for it…

There is nothing wrong with you- you want the right thing that we as humans are genetically programmed to need- to love and be loved. Misguided as what you are, going about it the ineffective way. I am going for a walk soon so will not be by the computer for a while. If you would like, if you have the space and energy, if you are calm enough- read through our correspondence, read slowly, let the words, the idea have a chance to be absorbed and see what happens. Try to not be so attached to the way you thought all your life, to what fits to your existing beliefs. Give a chance to new thinking… slowly, little by little, patiently… and then maybe there will be light and love. And write to me if you’d like, be back to computer tomorrow morning if not before.

take care:
anita