Hi Anita,
Sorry for the late response. I am traveling for work and have not had time to read through/respond. I hope you enjoyed your walk.

I see what you are saying. It looks like I am citing my flaws and feeling bad, but I did not always act lovingly toward him, either. Maybe at times, in his eyes, even abusive. My fear ignited his fear, and it was a chain reaction of reaching out/withholding/closing off/etc.

I have a deep sadness this weekend because he was supposed to be with me on my trip. At the airport, I was secretly wishing he would show. Not only did he not show, he has still never contacted me.

The hurt and confusion I feel creeps into most of my day. I am getting better, I suppose, and getting out and enjoying life, but it feels forced. Nobody can control anything, I understand. I understand I am beating myself up for just wanting to be loved and for choosing someone who could not give me that–I just find it hard to believe he did not want that from me, I don’t know what he was doing with me. Just using me, I guess.

I am interested in hearing your own journey with love and acceptance, if you care to share. Your insight has been very helpful and something I look forward to reading.