Dear Charlotte:
It’s been a while since you posted this but I think the kind of shame you are talking about is not likely to have …. disappeared since. I believe I am familiar with the kind of misery you described. I too have allowed and somehow even made things happen to me that I wanted no part in; things that were harmful to me. The torture of not navigating my own life, of being cluelsess of what is going on in my life, of not being in control, of finding myself in the same situations I decided I will never again be in. The disgust with myself- that is shame. Decades of that. Then came healing later in life, a healing process I am still engaged in.

Looking back at that kind of a life I lead, feeling powerless, clueless, disconnected… what i see is SELF ABANDONMENT or SELF DENIAL as i term it. At one point, or points a long time ago I abandoned myself, disconnected, figured I am bad news, notsomeone I want to hang with so to speak. I distrusted myself, pronounced myself BAD.

And there teh conflict:part of me wanted to live, wanted to BE ME. It struggled to LIVE while I already determined I was not worthy of living. LIVE_DIE_LIVE_DIE.

I needed SERIOUS psychotherapy- and finally at 50 had it for the first time in my life. Four years later I am doing much better. I think you need same: serious psychotherapy so to RECONNECT. As i reconnect I get to UNDERSTAND that i am and was not a freak after all. i have the same basic needs as anyone else. And i went about getting those needs met teh best i could- ineffectively- but didn’t know any better.
Wishing you reconnect with your abandoned self-
anita