Troubledbloke,

Congratulations on beginning to examine the effects your actions have on your environment and the people around you. The vision that came to mind as I read your story was that you don’t handle your fears and stresses very well. Being very sensitive is difficult in corporate environments, as there is generally a lot of stress floating around. Lots of tension, deadlines, expectations, and direct consequences. For a sensitive bloke dancing through such a place, it makes sense that you grab onto events, fear them, and build up some internal pressure.

Now, being a self-spoken person is perhaps one way of saying “I blurt my pressure onto those around me.” This is one way of dealing with stress, such as trying to rally others to your side, so you can become more comfortable with the events, feeling as though they are unjust, don’t fit you, don’t belong, someone else’s issue that they unfairly put in your lap.

Pema Chodron once described this as a story of a being that walks across a hot desert. The daily workflow vibrates with various stresses that trouble us. Your current method of dealing with that heat is by trying to pave the desert in leather, such as changing the landscape to hurt you less. Complaining here and there, fighting for your vision of how it “should be”, placing blame on others for what they do, and so forth. This sometimes works, but requires a lot of leather. So much effort! So many words you must speak to get rid of the internal stress!

Instead, what you could do is use enough leather to make a pair of shoes. This would be better stress coping techniques that allow you to get less worked up over the events you experience. What you may find the most useful is becoming less afraid of your fear. Less jumpy when you become scared. Instead of running away, trying to convince the people around you of your side, so you can feel like your fear is unneeded, try to become comfortable with the uncertain future. Rest with the fear, accept the fear, and grow your tender courage. Practically, this might look like:

You make a mistake, and your boss calls you out on it. The ego kicks up, starts fearing the long term effects, starts defending you, arguing with the boss. Instead of running around, blurting, consider “thank you, perhaps you are right, and I will work to grow more skillful.” Do some mindful breathing, let go of the aggression, let it slide on past. Once the fear settles, the packaging of the criticism unwraps and you are left with knowledge of where you can improve. Whether the boss called out your mistake in a bloke-compatible language or not, he’s pointing at something he wants fixed, didn’t fit with the team goals, etc. You’re still green, so instead of trying to defend your current shape, accept the imperfect forge fire, and become sharper. Learn from your mistake.

With the second boss for instance, consider: perhaps she is right. Your co workers and other supervisors have enough on their plate working, supervising, feeding their families, seeking their happiness, and so forth. They can’t be expected to help you with your dislike of criticism, and as your boss mentioned, deal with it. Get a therapist, a cat, do some yoga, go running… find ways of emptying the pressure without the verbal blurting. Consider searching “right speech” on google to learn more about what noble communication look like. Then, practice.

We all get stressed, dear friend, and we all have to find skillful ways of working with that stress. It is much better to shake off the mud, than try to shake other people until our mud falls off. Does that make sense?

With warmth,
Matt