Dear Lost Girl:

Regarding face to face via emailing modes of communication: I agree that texting/ emailing can be misleading. On the other hand it was easier and more effective for me in the past to communicate via emails. In person, I was often lost (yes, LOST) in fears of rejection, of hurting the other’s feelings, of saying the wrong thing, etc. I was not present in the face-to-face conversation. Later I thought to myself: oh, I should have said this or that… Via emails I was able to read and re-read and edit my communication without worrying about how it was accepted, without being hyper-vigilant regarding his/ her facial responses and such. I heard others say misunderstandings are common via emails. In my experience, given my tendency to get absent minded IN PERSON, email communication was often better than face to face.

In your original post you wrote about your first boyfriend: “(he) really made me feel bad about myself. He totally ruined my self-confidence, so after stupidly trying not to hurt his feelings…” In the post above you wrote about the present friend: “I just don’t want to hurt him again and push him away.” I wonder about this concern of yours to not hurt the feelings of another… maybe over concern as it was with your first boyfriend. Even though your first boyfriend was hurting you, you were so afraid of him being hurt that you overlooked the fact that YOU were hurting and that it was your job to protect yourself from being hurt by him (eventually you did break up with him). I wonder where this over concern comes from and I wonder how it is playing a part in your indecision. I am curious of what you think about it, if you gave this thought already and if you think about it now, calmly, what comes to your mind?

The guy “sounds” like a nice guy and you write that he knows you well- but he can’t know you that well when you don’t know yourself that well… and he has his own needs, wants, not YOURS. Not that he is not concerned or caring about your needs and wants, but he is mostly motivated by his own. Placing your future in his hands will be a mistake. Do not give him the power to navigate your life no matter how much you think he knows you, how decent he is, how genuinely he likes you… no matter what, do not give your power away.

Since I projected accurately about your state of mind, as you wrote: “It’s so hard living with that. I can never make a decision I’m sure of because I’m always thinking about all the possibilities, weighing the pros and the cons forever… It’s so tiring and frustrating, sometimes I wish someone could take all the decisions for me and tell me what to do.” I will suggest for you to re-read my post before this one about the PROCESS and write to me what you think further.

That wish you wrote: “I wish someone could take all the decisions for me and tell me what to do.” Be careful, Lost Girl of that wish coming true. Not a good way to live. It may FEEL this way, but remember what i wrote about trusting your own emotions? In the process you will learn which emotions to trust, or better said, you will learn what the true messages are behind your emotions. By wishing to have someone else tell you what to do, what it is you are trying to avoid? Of course you are trying to avoid the anxiety of making the wrong decisions adn going over the pros and cons endlessly in your mind, but looking deeper, what are you trying to avoid? Tell me more…???
anita