Hi Matt and thank you for your thought provoking reply.

I had a little bit of trouble working out how the metaphors applied exactly, but you’ve made me think enough about things to have a stab at it.

When Chris died, it was really my intellect that saved me. I would replay the arguments preceding her death over and over in my head, with what-ifs and why-didn’t-is, and by using my fairly analytical brain, I was able to play things through to some sort of logical conclusion. Sometime soon after, those same questions would repeat themselves over, and I’d go through the same rationalisations and eventually come to the same conclusions again. In the end I was able to notice the patterns and able to stop the replays before they really got started because I knew I’d already worked out the outcomes. I also had a little mantra that I said at that point in my life to help get over my worries and anxieties: “Don’t worry about the past because you can’t change it, and don’t worry about the future because you can’t control it”.

The problem, if I’m understanding your story correctly, is that my analytical brain has become something of a crutch. It saved me then and has been my primary tool that I have employed ever since, and so when I feel like things aren’t right, I engage that part of myself to try and work out what’s going wrong and that has led me to view my life through the filter of an over analysed past.

I think you’re saying that I need to address what I’m feeling now, rather than trying to understand how my past has contributed to me becoming the person I am.

In an attempt to speak in the here and now:

It’s true that I do feel alone, unloved, unseen, unheard, but I’ve learned to live with that somehow. I do feel that even my closest friends don’t know me, and yet I think I share (or shared at some point) my inner thoughts completely with them, so I don’t know why I feel that way.

Regarding sadness. I know I’m very sad. It’s been a constant in my life for a long time, but I try not to dwell on it because I don’t see it ever leaving me. I’m sad because there are things in my past that I’m deeply unhappy about. Things I can never rectify or change and will regret until the day I die. It’s not a question of forgiveness. I don’t hold myself responsible for Chris’ death. Her actions were her own. I am only responsible for my own actions and hers was not a proportional response to what had occurred. I can say those things and feel that way, and yet still be overwhelmingly sad about what happened. I am.

It’s almost ten years later. For most of that time I’ve rarely thought about her during my waking hours, and yet she’s constantly present in my dreams. That’s how I really know that there’s no getting past it, because that’s something that’s completely outside my control.

But it’s ok. What happened took it’s toll on my mind, but I’m fairly passive regarding how I feel about it. It’s just something I will always have to live with, so I just try not dwell on it. The funny thing is that we were together for almost eleven years and I can’t for the life of me, remember any of it…

Kaz

P.S. Sorry if it got a bit angst ridden at the end there. It’s hard not to be when talking about this stuff.