Dear Kaz:
as I read the new posts here this morning I felt like rushing to dump my analysis of the situation on you. It is my reliance too on my intellectual mind that kept me isolated through the decades of my life after my childhood. I get these understandings in my head and again and again I think: this understanding will solve the problem. I always thought: if I understand (intellectually understand) what is going on, then I will heal, live differently. And this very morning I was going to TEACH you about the concepts of the Rational Mind and the Emotional Mind and how Wise Mind=Rational Mind + Emotional Mind. ALmost scientific- there is an equation there, as clear as math.

As I read your writings, Kaz, I was thinking to myself that you are a very good thinker, that you have an excellent rational (mind). ANd it served you well enough to get you here, where you are today, served you to survive and do as well as you are doing in spite of the tragedies of your life.

Your rational mind is impressive to me. Your posts addressing the comments you received are clear and organized and perceptive- right on, this is what I think.

And you have a pretty good awareness of your emotions, your emotional state, or emotional mind, and it seems to me that you are ready for more. If for no other reason than so to either work for others (deal with conflicts) or work for yourself (deal with lack of motiveation and past ineffectiveness).

From my experience of over relying on my rational mind and ignoring my emotional mind or being at a loss of what it is, when I embarked on the healing process, NO WAY was I going to abandon my reliance on my rational mind, (intellect as you refer to it, I believe). You told your whole story, you wrote, so to maybe find out why you have a problem motivating yourself- as far as work is concerned.

Later you wrote: “I do feel alone, unloved, unseen, unheard, but I’ve learned to live with that somehow.”

There is much comfort in being able to live with feeling alone, unloved, unseen, unheard. I see the image of a great tree, tall and full of branches and leaves, like you were in the beginning, at least that what you were inside the seed that was you. And then the tragedies, so you dropped many branches, let them fall and leaves kept turning yellow and falling, and every day another branch falling and even the trunk of the tree was withering, outer layers drying, peeling and falling until there is just that trunk left of that great tree, a narrow version of the trunk that it was.

And that narrow trunk is alive. The fears and pain that was in the branches and leaves and outer layers of the trunk were peeled away and the pain left in the narrow trunk can be lived with. “I’ve learned to live with that somehow” Somehow, as a narrow trunk, reducing the volume of your existence so that it holds the minimal pain possible.

That narrow trunk also holds minimal motivation. It also holds minimal motivation to love and be loved.

Motivation is a matter of emotions- its in those branches and leaves you dropped- those you prefer to live without. understandably. If you read my comment this far, what do you think? What do you consider doing differently in your life now, later, if anything? Where do you go from here?
anita