Thank you so much for both of your replies. My apologies for the delay, I’m actually from Belgium so there’s a time difference 🙂
I really appreciate your support and encouraging words. I’ve never even complimented myself in that way. I just keep seeing myself as this “whore of babylon” who had a child at 16 and gave it up for adoption.
I’m also Moroccan and my culture has no appreciation for this type of situation whatsoever. My family doesn’t even know, I was able to keep it a secret (don’t even ask me how cause up till this day I don’t understand how I got away with it). It just still feels so surreal… And because I’m so afraid of that judgement I’m still afraid of people. People talking smack about me, people thinking I might be weird, people thinking I’ve taken advantage of them or what not. I’m very afraid of people, when deep inside I love the company of people, meeting them, learning from them. But I’m so afraid of their thoughts and judgements in a very extreme way. It’s getting real unhealthy for me now since I’m only 24 and there’s so much to look forward to and to achieve.
I don’t know what point I’m trying to make. I think it’s pretty obvious I’m afraid, period. Afraid of challenging myself, afraid of letting people go that no longer serve me, afraid of changing, afraid of my own greatness as a human being perhaps. I feel exhausted, I really do. And I feel like I can’t laugh like I used to. Feeling pretty down today.