Hi lotuslotus

I think your statement, “Mission accomplished, but deeply unhappy” is key here. Your “mission” for a long time has been to get yourself to exactly the point that you are now from the perspective of qualifications and employment. But your mission hasn’t been focused on your own happiness. So, one mission is accomplished, but now you have another mission to embark on – one which will be far more important for your emotional health and future. The good news is, having succeeded in the first mission, you will easily be capable of succeeding in the other.

Many people in your situation feel a massive sense of anti-climax. “Study hard, get your exams, get a degree, get a job”. It is drummed into us from an early age as if it is all that matters. So we get there, and then what? 40 hours a week sitting at a desk? Is that what all that was for?

Now, as a Dad myself, I’m not going to tell you that all of that was worthless (it wasn’t – you’ve got a job for one thing). But it certainly isn’t everything, and now is the time to focus on you and your own well-being. If you are expecting your work and your colleagues to provide that, well, chances are you are going to be disappointed. this is something you need to do for yourself, and that will bring others into your life.

Start by focusing on the things that you really enjoy, the things that bring you pleasure. Nobody is judging you on them, and you don’t need to consider whether you can make a living out of them. If it is hard to come up with things, think back to when you were very young. What did you love to do? Drawing, painting, running around getting muddy? What things excited you? Was it cars, horses, planes? Whatever it was, write all those things down. (And I’m willing to bet serious money that “sitting at a desk for 40 hours a week” isn’t on your list.)

Now, from that list, what are the two or three things that really leap out at you? Now, think about how you could build more of those activities into your life. It could be by classes, but you could just do these things for fun, or advertise on Facebook for a friend who might have the same interest, or you might just meet people by doing it. But just start. Doesn’t matter what it is. Start. And you will start feeling better and happier. You probably don’t believe me, but that’s fine. Do it anyway. Because these things work whether you believe in them or not.

You mention that you have tried joining activities but the reactions of others has put you off. This happens – sometimes people don’t like the idea of strangers infiltrating their little clique. But look at your actions too. Was it something that you were really interested in anyway, so you could bring some new insights, or was it primarily to meet people? When talking with others, did you come across as “needy” or clingy? Did your attempts at conversation focus on them or on you? Giving people the opportunity to talk about their favourite subject (themselves) will always get a much more positive reaction than telling someone else your life story. The same might apply at work too.

Your long-distance relationship will also be improved if you focus on your own mental well-being. I greatly doubt that you would feel different if you had moved closer – you might well have felt worse, because you would have made your future well-being more reliant on someone else. From your post, a lot of what you are saying reflects the fact that you are looking for others to provide you with the happiness you seek. That’s not a criticism, that’s just human nature. The problem is, we are then handing control of our own happiness over to others. By taking control ourselves, we enhance our own well-being, which in itself actually benefits others – I’m sure you would like your partner to be happy when you are not together, too. You can miss someone dreadfully but still be happy that they are in your life.

So, to summarise, you need to work on yourself, but you are easily capable of it. Just take responsibility for your own happiness, take up an interest of yours, take an interest in other people, and watch as things start moving upwards. The job may still be dull, but that doesn’t mean your life has to be!