Hi Rose Tattoo,

Like anita’s post above, I do hope that you’re doing much better in your healing process. I hope the women’s group and reduced panic attacks are helping.

It does get better. I’m finally starting to feel ok 2 years after my own breakup with an EU type (emotionally unavailable!).

I really think most of the time the problems we have in our relationships reflect problems we have with ourselves- although it does sound like this guy was doing his best to be selfish and deceitful.

If you’re noticing this pattern of jealousy and unavailable men, you really need to ask what you were getting from those relationships. The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself. The way you treat yourself will determine how you treat others and deal with problems in every single relationship. For example if you’re impatient with yourself, chances are you’re impatient with others. If you felt jealous and controlling in your relationships, maybe you’re actually trying to get acceptance from yourself and feel you’re not in control in another part of your life? Sit down with yourself and ask these hard questions, and ask them often. You need to truly love and accept yourself first before you’ll feel comfortable accepting love from someone else and not questioning his intentions or whether or not he’s cheating. When you question your own self worth- you question other people’s motives and actions.

I highly recommend a break from dating for a little while. Spend some ‘me-time’ doing things you love, hang out with friends and family who you didn’t see much while you were dating, and be darned kind and amazing to yourself. See if you can be kinder to family and friends, and practice mindfulness in situations that normally stress you out.

Also, I would say guard and protect your heart. We (men and women) give too much of ourselves too soon, without knowing how we really feel. I think most of the time we’re not actually in love with the person, but with that love chemical (oxytocin?), and the feeling of being wanted. We mistake that feeling for real love, even if we’re not really compatible with the person or they might be bad for us. By the time we catch on that it’s not love or there are serious problems, we’re already in too deep. From now on, make him prove that he is worth your kindness, care, concern, time, and love. Until he proves that he is not going to take advantage of you, mistreat you, or use you, don’t give your heart away. I’m not saying to be detached and not invest in the relationship, just use this time to judge his character, be your authentic self, and continue to do all the things you love and value. Slow down, put boundaries in place, and use this time to get to know him and ask questions, and pay attention to every single red flag. During the hearts-off time, if he does anything that shows he will mistreat you, it’ll be easier to walk away. It’s not being mean, it’s protecting your heart. Please protect your heart!

Love starts with you. You are loveable, and you’re so worth love and respect (especially your own)!