Dear J:
It is my understanding that having contact with your family of origin caused and causes you much distress and sickness, and that having no contact with most has lead you to be happier and healthier state of mind and body. That’s a no brainer, as well as staying away from your brother who threatened you with phyhsical harm, inflicted physical harm on your husband and on your children who witnessed the violence. No brainer there too.

Regarding your mother, you stated: “I have struggled to have a relationship with my mum since, it’s been very hot and cold from her.” You are describing a manipulative woman who threatens you with rejection if you do not do what she says. She treatens you with no contact with her if you don’t do as she says, which is to harm yourself and your family of choice.

I would say- take her on her offer and make sure the no contact stays in place so you don’t have to go through her “hot and cold” treatment again and concentrate on your family of choice.

Regarding the hurt you feel by your mother’s threat of no contact and the fact that you feel it is unfair she stays in contact with your other siblings, examine, if you will, the hurt and fear feelings you are having about it. It is so very natural for a child to cling to his/ her mother. Animals do it. Humans do. It is encoded in our genes through so many years of evolution. Separation from one’s mother naturally causes fear. The hurt is there because you figure her cutting contact means something that is does not.

Even though you are 35 and a mother yourself, part of you is still that small child looking up to her mother for protection, for love. Without her love you feel alone, unprotected, afraid.

If you agree, talk to yourself again and again, telling yourself that you are SAFE, that contact with her does not mean safety (the opposite in reality!) Calm down your “inner child” – the child part of you. Ask your husband who supports you for a hug, get your need for safety met with him.

As far as being hurt, it is hurtful to be rejected by someone you esteem. When you value her enough to be hurt by her cutting contact with her, ask, if you will, WHO it is that you value? Who is that woman you value so much, really?
anita