Dear Sann:
I will answer first the question: “Do you still struggle with these things, or do you find it all easy now?” No, I don’t find anything easy. But not as difficult, not as hopeless. I noticed this change: I no longer consider committing suicide. What a change that is! I finally acknowledged that I do care a lot about living, that I want to live and that all the time I consdered suicide- I still wanted to live, otherwise I would have ended my life. I realized that continuing to consider suicide is not honest- the motivation may have been not wanting to feel pain anymore and wanting help. the motivation was not to die.

What has gotten easier is not exploding in anger anymore. I still get angry but I do not explode. “Do no harm” is strong in me.

I started feeling empathy to the man I married in 2010 (year later I started therapy). I started feeling empathy for him after therapy, a great time after therapy. I started feeling softer emotions. Instead of desperation and numbing I started feeling affection and appreciation. Instead of distrust- trust. Of course none of this would have been possible if my husband was a jerk. It so happens that he is very decent and wonderful, really.

Regarding: “you had to learn a new way, instead of ‘unskilled living’ towards ‘skilled living’ – how was that for you?”

First thing in therapy, 2011 (and having been diagnosed then with BPD) my therapist taught me Interpersonal Skills- a must so to keep my marriage which was then in great trouble. That was part of psychoeducation, very important. Practicing effective interpersonal skills was crucial to heal the relationship- over time- and make personal healing possible in the context of the relationship.

You asked: “do you still have to be very, very careful not to step into those traps…?” My life was very difficult during times of stress such as having to move- I was often homeless because i couldn’t get myself to move. Again, since i got married my husband took care of the housing situations and moving, so that took care of that. I use all my time to heal and my outside challenges are limited. I still get annoyed very often but I do talk to myself and I am learning- this very morning I practiced that- to share my feelings of annoyance with my husband in a responsible way, to not blame him, to not expect him to take away my distress. It is difficult for me this VERY day. I am exhausted and slept poorly after one of those annoyances. I am aiming at ACCEPTING all my feelings, including the annoyances (RAGES, previously) without negatively judging myself. I still feel shame over my negative feelings…

Crisis situations make everything worse for anyone, i suppose but for BPD- yes. It is time to take it very slow. Even today after poor sleep- this poor sleep is a cirsis of sorts.

My husband said I changes most significantly. He says- and I agree- that the diagnosis doesn’t fit anymore- the explosions are gone.

My latest challenge is that while I was getting off 17 years of heavy medications- most difficult- I developed seious eating disorders from restricting (anorexia-like, actually a psychiatrist did diagnose me with anorexia in 2012) to heavy duty binge eating. binge eating is a challenge more acute after poor sleep- it scares the hell out of me.

So, today is such a day where I am not as calm or optimistic as in days when I sleep well. But it is not as bad as before.

I hope I gave you some answers that may be helpful. Please ask more. Maybe I should wait till tomorrow and answer more quesions then after, hopefully better sleep…
anita