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J,
In addition to the other kindly aimed words, consider that you’re making their actions all about you. As you’ve been away from their toxic qualities, consider how happiness has opened up, and a feeling of freedom has been felt. Without that freedom, such as when agoraphobic and anxious, your actions become much more lashy and in survival mode. Right?
So consider how brother and sister and mother all act out in various unskilled ways. These have little to nothing to do with you, and stem from their anxieties and agorophobic tendencies (or whatever form their suffering takes on.) Its not about you. It’s just them, doing what they do, trying to make everything the way they want it to be. You don’t owe them anything, such as going to the wedding, or letting the brother punch you. Your side is continuing to take the good actions in protecting your tenderness from their abusive qualities.
Said differently, perhaps issue one: your birth family are telling you things about yourself that aren’t true, and you’re grabbing onto their words and stabbing yourself with them. Perhaps issue two: your mother and brother and sister are stressed and self absorbed, and you don’t want them to be, so you grab onto their actions that don’t coincide with how you want them to be, and in your brain, stab at them.
The mantra or prayer that could help break apart this habit of yours is “Whatever the causes or conditions for your various behaviors, I choose to set down, abandon, forgive and move on.”
Finally, consider that cutting contact with toxic people is not selfish, it follows the saying “do no harm”. Consider for instance, when your brother hit your husband, your brother’s fist and mind were also harmed. Not just you, husband, and kids. By putting distance, you prevent him from harming himself, too. Same with sis. Her bitter words hurt her. Same with mom.
With warmth,
Matt