Dear Blessing,

Not its not really the case, If I agree to go ahead then I drop things there only, because I cannot put up a fake face and still smiling, if I am hurt, I am simply hurt, I cannot put up faces, irrespective of the fact if we have to go somewhere and we just had a fight, until unless we do not resolve, I cannot be not be normal until unless I speak and discuss. Now the silence is due to “tiredness” Enough of fights, now its more or less the acceptance. What should I do, he himself while shopping said, when I was after him to buy something for himself and he said no I do not want that and he said why are u after me for buying something, I dont want to. Then i said fine, in a humurous way, I said dare you buy something now. And he smiled and said , you know we have reached the stage in marriage, where you ask me to do something I do no do it, and when you dont I feel like asking you. And I smiled back at him and said, yes darling I know that. And moreover we hardly have time now, when I finish my job, he starts his job. I feel exhausted and drained, due to this over thinking. ANd I have almost forgotten to live my own life, to care for my own happiness, busy thinking about whom is he chatting with, is he still watching porn, does he still delete his messages, They are baseless. As i said fear is the illusion, i know they are there, I mean i feel insecure, its solely not my problem, he is involved too in this in making me feel like, he is responsible too in making me feel that way. But LOVE is something I can see in his eyes, probably we miss out in recognizing because of the human tendency, they do not thank what they have, they crib on what they do not get. For this entire week, till thursday he is starting his shift when I am finishing mine, so we just do not have time, and consciously I am not fighting, he wanted to shop fine, then I wanted to buy something for myself, thats altogether different thing that how much we spent on ourselves. And that’s fine, honestly cannot fight over such things, even yesterday he missed on texting me, I cannot force someone to remember me or moreover cannot force him to do that. Its alright, the best is to accept what you have in your lot. If I continue to keep finding problems in everything, this will become my habit sooner or later.. I want to be happy, I do not want to think and keep thinking and then to deal with this hormonal imbalance. See once of his friend(married though) has recently moved to this country and sunday night she sent him a text asking for his number on FB. and he I was with him, and he told me abut her that she has moved here with her husband and asking for my number, should we help them. I said yeah fine go ahead, but he did not reply to her at that moment, or can say probably not in front of me.. Anyways I feel female thinks alot, he must not have any such intention but I am just telling you how I took that , how I respond to that situation because normally I used to just lose control on myself and on my behaviour. Anyways and last night when he was on his break in between his shift, he called me to ask how is it going at home, and all. So he told me, his friend called and I said which one, he said the one asking for number, I asked oh you have given her the number he said yes. I said okay. He said she is looking for a job and all that. He started telling me what conversation they had and after that I spoke nicely and said fine, will make the dinner for you and you can help yourself once you come back home. Thats hwo we ended all politely, else I do not normally have control on myself, had it been earlier I would have then and there mentioned why didnt you reply to her when we were together. But I did not because I knew he would have taken that in a different way, if he wants the manipulated ME then thats fine. He cannot take it on face, thats alright. I stay calm and said you can invite them for dinner. He said yeah I have already asked them to come over. Anyways the reason for telling you is this that ” I am controling myself, I do not want to be spontaneous, when I was not working, I had so much time to make up for hte things, I could have asked anything anytime, Now I have realized if i continue to have that attitude, things hurt too much probably because deep inside he also knows we have less time for eachother and its a kind of irritating for him too. and boy’s do not normally express. And if i continue to express the way I used to, then things are different now, because we do not have much time, and in this senstive time, things hurt both of us too quickly, or you can say instantly and then we take our own time to make up. earlier we used to resolve instantly. So I have given up and more of it I have accepted. I might bring this thing sometime later that why couldnt you reply in front of me, or may be it is not of that importance, that’s fine. When the similar thing happens to him , he would then realize. I am not saying that intentionally I am gonna do tit for tat. But I need to find out the ways to communicate. And also I need to look for the ways to have this relation in my life, not to do certain stupid things. And I am trying to give my shot.. And sometimes, there are things which are meant to happen. Destiny has decided to keep us together, then I should work towards making it more stronger, rather than destroying it.
Rest, I am exhausted also because of running after petty thoughts. I just wanna be ME. If I deserve to be loved, I will be loved and respected no matter what.
Just because of the things hardwired in childhood, does not mean the present has to face the repecussion of that. Life is all about mind-set, you need to set your mind right, and follow your heart, it will hopefully never be wrong. Align your heart with your mind 😀 😉

Thanks for being there Anita. I love you blessing.
How was your Sunday. I would love to hear your experiences on that!!!

Looking forward to your reply.

Love you blessing.