Perry,
I want to help, but I am not sure how. I relate to your pain, and though I am not sure that it will help, I want to share a story with you.

It is a story similar to yours; Awhile back my whole world was in turmoil, and I lost my way; I lost my friend; I lost myself. I struggled, the keyword being struggle, to put myself back together, learn something from the whole mess, and to simply live again. Mostly though, I just felt lost, confused and very, very much hurt.

I kept questioning the decisions that I made and what if I had handle things a different way? Moments, where I was riled up and felt cowardly for avoiding the issues and other moments where I impatiently rushed issues because I couldn’t withstand the emotional turmoil. I wanted to be at peace, and I wanted to be with her but it seemed that the two were mutually exclusive.

I don’t know if your situation is similar to mine, but here are some harsh truths that I learned during the whole process that may help you find what you are looking for :

– It took time for me and the whole process hurt like hell. It was a gnawing pain that made me question my own integrity and self-worth, but eventually, it dulled with time. I ended up taking a road trip for a few weekends in a row, and I think being in the car for hours on end and just going to destinations unknown helped a lot – it allowed me to confront the issues and got me away from my comfort zone.

– I realized that for a short-while, I was fortunate to be with was with an amazing woman, but we both messed up. I think she had deep seated trust issues. She was bad at setting up boundaries, and I think without realizing it, I let myself be used as an emotional punching bag. She never asked me to – I just stepped right on up for it because I cared about her.

When it came to her, I was too patient with the wrong things and never patient enough where it counted. I said that she was bad at setting up boundaries, but I was equally as bad at setting up my own. Somewhere along the way, my sense of self-respect and integrity just blurred away. I was with her, but I never showed her my own self-worth so to her I was simply another guy.

It was relationship of convenience and extraordinarily dysfunctional. If it was handled differently, I think there were real possibilities there, but it wasn’t and honestly, I am more to blame for it than she was because I think at least she was honest with herself, and I wasn’t with myself.

Anyways, I am sorry for the long spiel. To make it short, I think you should forgive but not forget. You should learn from the situation but forgive her and yourself.

For a short-while, it is okay to not be okay. It is going to hurt for quite some time, but it helps to take time for yourself – go on a road trip and get your mental and emotional state back in order.