Dear Jim and Jamie:
It was something else yesterday, I felt very lively, full of life seeing Jamie’s photo and writing to you. It puzzles me only because, I suppose, I … normally don’t get excited about things or people. Said in a better way- I often don’t let myself get excited about anything much. The pleasure of eating, for instance, often enough frightens me. Letting emotions take me where they may scares me. It crossed my mind last night as I was thinking, that the very going-on that I did in my post to you, wow-ing Jamie, that this post will get me kicked out of tiny buddha. Just crossed my mind and I realized that i find it that when I get freely emotional, I get scared that I will be attacked or rejected and a punishment will be there. I asked myself: why did you get excited? What is wrong with (me)…

This is all part of the shame. Feeling that feeling itself, that my feelings are shameful, bad, wrong, just wrong… and will get me in trouble. Of course, this is a replay of my horrid (I believe the word “rorture” that I used refers to this) childhood where I was attacked often enough not knowing why, just for feeling good, maybe. I think i was attcked for the times I felt good, happy, excited… I was punished for it. So I feel off, weird whenever I do get excited as if I lost control. There is a sense of losing control in excitement, just writing whatever the emotion leads me to write…

You write about being Jim and being Jamie as two different people: fun, compassionate, loving jamie and scared, cold and regimented Jim. It is my analytical mind perhaps trying to understand, to see more of what is: tell me more, if you will… about the interactions between Jim and Jamie and is there a manager of sorts with you that navigates who is on who is off and when- and is one subdued when the other is active…

I like you feeling like we are best girlfriends… I do long for a girlfriend, have for a long time and I do cherish our communication very much.

anita