Hi friend 🙂

It feels very half and half. I feel like in a way does feel like I’m retreating, which is definitely don’t want to do – which is why I feel wary of doing anything. But I also feel like I must plan my escape from this place because it’s time. The reason why all of this came up was because my current lease runs out in October and I wanted to move into a new apartment. I’ve been looking for several weeks and the more I look, the less enthusiastic I feel about staying. An old roommate of mine, who became a good friend after I had moved out, wants to live with me again and it could be really nice… But honestly, I just don’t want to be here anymore.

It’s hard because the only thing I DO like about where/how I’m living is my job and coworkers. The thing is, I feel like I could be happy with my job and coworkers this much almost anywhere I go. I have a job in the arts/fashion and my industry pretty much has all the same types of people in it. I don’t like the city that I work in and I’m not really crazy about the city that I’m living in. I don’t have many friends where I am besides my coworkers – and we don’t do many things together outside of work (for a gamut of reasons). Also, not to mention, I’ve already been here for 2 years and I’ve got a pretty good handle on what my life would look like if I stayed. And not that it’s a huge deal but my ex is off gallivanting with his new girlfriend within a few miles radius and I could bump into them whenever or wherever.

I go home to my parents house every weekend and I love the time that I spend there. Lately it feels like I’m living for the weekends, and that’s not a comfortable feeling. Sure, I’ve launched – but what good is that if I’m not living a life?

I was hoping that I could beef up my resume and portfolio and get a new job come October, when the lease is up. Then I’d move back home and commute until I’m ready to get an apartment with one of my friends (who is also living at home and is already commuting to New York). Ideally, I’d like to be living the life I have now, but with more access to my friends and family and the things that I’m familiar with. It would be nice if I were only an hour away, instead of 2. Eventually, I’d like to try out living on the west coast, but I am simply not ready for that yet. I’m just not at the point in my life where I feel like I have the resources or emotional stability to just up and leave right now – maybe in a year or 3.

I might not know exactly where, location wise, I want to be – but I know it’s not here. I just know that if the world was going to end or if I just found out that I only have 5 years left to live, this is what I would want to do.

I’m certainly making the best of things, with where I am right now but I feel like I could be happier elsewhere and making these changes would help me solidify the changes to my life that I’m trying to make permanent. I feel very lonerish already and I don’t want to go somewhere just yet where I’d be a total stranger in a strange land.

Does this make more sense?