Hi Art,

Thank you so so much for your reply! It’s good to know that there is someone out there experiencing something similar but making progress to improve themselves and their situation. I definitely feel like I’ve done the same as you in regards to working really hard and excelling at something you weren’t necessarily passionate about. It’s ironic that we can’t apply that same drive to things we know were passionate about! And I completely understand the whole not expressing yourself freely thing around certain people because I feel the same way about working in a corporate environment. I feel like I’m not being authentic and not being myself and it’s constricting and stressful to constantly have to monitor yourself so that you fit in.

“So I thought changing organizations would help and I did that, about 3 times. I realized that the structure of the 9-5 job was really getting to me. I have discipline, but I really wanted to daydream more. I wanted to create ideas. I didn’t know if that meant I was just being lazy or just..weak. I felt no one took me seriously, I felt guilty, like it meant that I was being selfish because 9-5 was hard for me. ”

This is exactly how I feel. I feel like I’ll wind up getting a new job and it may just be the 9-5 job that is the problem and if I don’t stick with the 9-5 that everyone will view me as lazy or incompetent.

From your reply I’ve gathered the following suggestions here are my comments on them:

Take time for yourself
• I agree this definitely a necessity and it has been my stress management method in the past. Last year I decided I was going to make better choices to be happier. I changed my eating habits, started running, doing yoga, doing the insanity work out program, reading about mindfulness, practicing affirmations, and trying new things that pushed me out of my comfort zone. It worked for about 10 to 11 months when I started to relapse into my current depression onset by my new work situation. I got the new job with the higher pay but a more stressful situation and less time to do those stress management/self-care activities I had when I worked closer to home. I went from 5 hours of time after work to max 2 hours 45 minutes. Instead of doing these self care/stress management things I find myself eating dinner, preparing for work tomorrow, and just mindlessly watching tv and surfing the internet.
• I do have the weekends which I do dedicate to socializing and again relaxing or doing chores around the house that I couldn’t get done during the week. I should dedicate some of this time to my personal growth and need to commit to doing so.

Rid yourself of the energy/motivation suckers in your life (haha)
• I have a close friend who recently went through a personal transformation that I used to reach out to for support or resources since she was always constantly working on herself. Last year during the time I was doing really well with myself and my growth I told her about my changes and she said “I’m glad you’ve made changes I honestly thought you’d never change” and it really bothered me at that time and still does to think that someone who is supposed to be your close friend would say something like that when I’ve been trying my best the whole time despite my depression to change. More recently she was talking to my best friend and hinting at that she’s giving me resources/tools to make changes and I haven’t taken advantage of them and basically don’t seem as though I’m trying to make changes. I haven’t spoken to her at all since then and I’m not sure if I even want to.

Surround yourself with positive people or read about them
• I originally thought the friend above was one of those people but not so sure at this point. Will definitely attempt to do this. I try to listen to positive pod casts or read articles online or self help books.

Journal
• Journaling honestly scares me. Growing up I filled tons of notebooks with nothing but negativity berating myself for all the things I did wrong and how I’m a terrible person. I think it may help me to get to know the real me but I’m afraid of journaling turning into either a pity party or a personal crucifixion. Any tips on journaling so I don’t have an epic self roast session haha.

Work towards your passions
• I definitely will it wont hurt to do something I enjoy everyday that I’m not so good at. When I think about jobs I had I didn’t start out as a master I had to work at it everyday so it’s pretty obvious that if I actually work towards my passions I’ll get better.(Just need to convince myself of this lol)

Make short term and long-term goals
• Goals in general is something I’ve always struggled with. In grad school I started with the goal of doing well but half way through I noticed I was doing well so I aimed for a 4.0 for my first semester and did it. Other than that I don’t ever recall a time where I set a goal in my personal life or professional life and achieved it or even actively worked towards it. I think it’s the issue of motivation again. I will try the small goals and if I do enough of the small ones I’ll eventually meet the big goal.

Lastly, I love this last bit of wisdom you shared:
“If you end up making a career switch, remember that all your experience – the high, the lows, the depressing – is just more material for creating things that people can relate to. Your old jobs were not done in vain. Think you don’t have skills or training? Well, you have life experience.”

I constantly agonize and regret decisions I’ve made in the past but this makes me realize that everything wasn’t in vain and that these experiences can definitely benefit me in some way.

I will definitely keep you updated on my progress because there will be tons of it because there is much work to be done!

Thank you!!!!

-Gen