I hope that I again have that experience, although my present state of mind is disturbed because of continuous friction caused by opposing thoughts – if I see myself from that employee’s perspective, I am not eligible to work for this employer, having said what I said. Is this belief wrong? Am I being too hard on myself?

On the other hand, I am still providing services to them and this reminds my mind, every second of every day, of the incident. I am able to see that I am drifting away from other ‘normal’ people, in terms of the types of thoughts. If they hear my thoughts, they would probably call me crazy and yet, these thoughts to make sense to me. I am stuck in the past because no resolution has been reached about this situation – I remain in a persistent state of agitation and guilt, looking for a relief which cannot be had if I hold both the opposing thoughts at the same time. Or at least, I do not know to it can be had with holding those thoughts simultaneously.

I was unable to sleep last night, as my mind continued to replay the incident again and again, and every time I ended up with the conclusion that I must leave this job, even when I have nothing else queued up in the line ahead. I have wasted a *LOT* of energy behind this situation in the past 3 years and I am now left with very thin mental resources to take up any tasks which come easily to the people who have not been in, or have been able to remove themselves from, such situations. I do not know what I did wrong.

I will try to look for a CBT.