hey Anita, Thanks for your suggestions.
I appreciate you took the time to reply.

1. I know that people aren’t as happy as they appear. But part of my problem is the prolonged unending deprivation of various experiences so fundamental to the being human, such as: Love, relationships, and meaningful connections with other people. I know everyone has problems they have to deal with but at least many of them have someone help them get through it. I feel like this because of such a contrast in my situation with many people I know who are in long term relationships.

2. I try and love myself. In a non-narcissistic way that says: “you are deserving of happiness and love, you are a human being, you have been through a lot, and you are doing so well considering what you’re working with.”. But it’s so difficult to love yourself when it feels like nobody even cares you’re alive, and you feel completely invisible. Anyway I agree that society causes a lot of unnecessary problems, but think from my experience pity is a bad thing, and empathy and respect for yourself is important. But it’s a difficult line between not holding your emotions in, having respect and compassion for yourself, accepting you have serious problems, and not falling into sadness. I’m trying to work on this.

3. it is a common problem in this world to feel a lack of love, but most people at least have a partner, or friends – someone to help them when they are hurt. I don’t have anyone and that makes it much more painful. It’s good that you agree it’s a valid need, and that I’m not totally unjustified in being hurt by a lack of love. It is very painful but I have to live with it, maybe one day someone might see something in me.

4. Thank you for saying this about my intelligence. And I think you are right about my lack of emotional development and understanding it’s definitely a longstanding problem. I’m working on it, but it takes time.

5. Deus ex machina (God from the machine) – from wikipedia: “The term has evolved to mean a plot device whereby a seemingly unsolvable problem is suddenly and abruptly resolved by the contrived and unexpected intervention of some new event, character, ability or object. … it can be intended to move the story forward when the writer has “painted himself into a corner” and sees no other way out”. I used it as the idea that I’m hoping for a miracle, some unexpected intervention to resolve the emotional pain inside me. As if crying to the skies: “please some unexpected twist save me from this nightmare.” but also I know that as impossible as it seems I have to save myself.

No need to reply to this all, but one thing it would be interesting to know is if you have any suggestions for how to improve awareness of my emotions.

Anyway I will just keep fighting and growing from all these experiences. And try to keep improving myself as much as I can.

Thank you again,
DXM