Dear James:

Oh, but it was not “living happily in oblivion”= this is where the comparison with the Matrix is inaccurate. At the times I was daydreaming about being rescued from my misery by another person- it was a respite, a break from the misery. That break, those occasional breaks from the ongoing misery, did not delete the misery. The brain, the body HAS to take breaks from distress, time out, otherwise it will collapse. But the misery was immense in between the breaks.

My motivation to wanting others’ company in the past was to take me away from my misery. I viewed others as way more resourceful than me and therefore able to show me … the light. Now that I see others are stumbling in the dark, often insistent on their darkness as the way, I am not motivated. Now, like I wrote, I am married to my now, best friend, so I am fortunate. My social needs are met. Then I talk to people in real life and not long ago I still wished for a special (girl)friend to visit with. THe problem is the conversations with others, the conversations I am having with others do not motivate me for more. For example, I have a neighbor (not the same one I mentioned). We took long walks together. She told me about how (this is my interpretation and i believe it is correct, actually I have no doubt that it is) how she encourages her husband to submit to his still-abusive-mother. That enrages me. She doesn’t see that inside her older husband there is the child that he was, that he still is and that he was so hurt by his abusive mother (she does agree with the latter, told me herself).

Now, how do I go from here with this neighbor? How do I accept what she is doing? I mean, I am no jesus christ with unlimited nonjudgmental empathetic, saintly capabilities. I am a human being, a human animal. I need things-in-common with a potential friend. One of those things in common that I need is to NOT encourage abuse. So she is out. And so it goes.

Does this answer your question?
anita