Saiisha,

The activities I’m trying (and currently failing, but want) to do involve other people, yes. I spend far too much time in my own apartment, and have turned down or otherwise not contacted friends about hanging out on any kind of regular basis…until yesterday, when I had this revelation. I’d been drinking to get drunk so I can do what’s comfortable–being alone and playing video games. Being drunk also allays the intense loneliness I have. It does bother me that I spend time with so few people, but a fair amount of the time that has been my own choice. This revelation is very much me learning about myself and what I might like. I think the alcohol abuse over many years has been stymieing that, and I didn’t know just how much until last night. Lately when I’m alone I worry, but also use DBT skills and try to be in the moment, though I’ve had a very difficult time being in the moment over the years. Then again, this comes back to alcohol–I’ve practiced being in the moment intermittently for years, but always thought in the back of my head “but I can get drunk tonight, so I don’t have to experience the loneliness or try new things”…i.e. I don’t have to feel much of the loneliness, or face the positive risk-taking of doing new things with new people. Or with existing friends.

I have activities I do when I’m alone (such as video games, helping others on TinyBuddha, watching movies), but I spend *far* to much time not being social and not trying to be social. The lack of alcohol in my life these days, combined with the extreme anxiety I’ve been under (as you read on my other post), brought the revelation to the forefront of my mind. What I enjoy, what helps me the most, is social situations–I’ve been so desperate for social activities, yet so scared of them, and abusing alcohol to where I didn’t care, that my desire to be social was blunted very much.

I enjoyed video games as a child, but for the most part I didn’t love anything as a child. If you look at my”Apartment noise and fear” post in Emotional Mastery, I describe key points of my childhood. In a nutshell, it was hell every single day, and the only “safe” place was my room (though even that wasn’t always safe). I hid all the time. So that’s what I’ve been doing for so many years as an adult. Only nowadays such coping mechanisms no longer serve me. My life has been closed, and I’m hoping that with this revelation I can open it up.

“When you can love yourself and who you are, others will come to you automatically”–I’m not sure how you mean this ultimately, because the way I see it is thus: if I love myself and who I am, I will seek out others, because that’s what I want to do. Though I do see that, if I’m in a lot of pain and hiding, people might not want much to do with me because I’m a drain. On the other hand, I’m honest about myself to friends. I don’t say I’m doing fine when I’m not. I’m being myself.