Saiisha,

I haven’t tried visiting per se social places by myself. That might be a good idea to see how I cope with the emotions, because if I go by myself I can leave at any time. On the other hand, going with friends pretty much means I’d be practicing coping while in the moment–which would be a very valuable thing for me to do. I can cope in the moment alone, but when alone I’m not potentially disappointing anyone else; with a friend, I can practicing coping with any real or perceived disappointment.

I guess I wouldn’t say I “thrive” on social situations–I’d say that, right now, I desperately need to be social so that I’m not staying up in my head and worrying and producing panic. I don’t work, so that’s something that would occupy my time if I did (which makes me think of your volunteer suggestion). The prospect of work is a whole other can of worms. The last time I worked with any regularity was 2008. This is also about fear: fear of authority figures, disappointing others, my own stuff exploding to the surface and making me a sobbing mess and/or lashing out at others. At three of my previous jobs I got angry with the store manager, a supervisor, and a customer respectively, and in the first two instances I told them to go eff themselves. That’s not how I want to act. And it’s all about my fears and depression and immediate judgment of authority (this comes from my dad being terribly unsupportive in every way except money) being not expressed and held in until it bursts.

I have a few supportive friends, but not ones whom I’m close to. I mean, I tell them things, ask for help, and they help the best they can, but just about none of them truly “get” me, or if they get me they aren’t communicative anywhere near as often as I’d like (with one of them it’s been two months at least, another a couple weeks). And when I say “desperate”, I’m also desperate to be held. I can hold a pillow and cry at night (which I did last night) and breathe and work to comfort myself, but it isn’t the same as another person wholly understanding me and holding me. I want to feel the love others have for me, but if I can’t seem to feel that for the time being, I want to be held and comforted. Basically I want what my parents couldn’t or didn’t give me.

Incidentally, the friend I’m meeting later today and the friend I’m meeting tomorrow aren’t really huggy types, and one of them is male…I’ve had a difficult time being friends with guys due to the closed-up nature of my dad and how he modeled avoiding friendships (he still does avoid friendships, at almost 73 years old; I don’t even know if he himself is aware he avoids friendships. He probably doesn’t allow himself to even go there mentally).

Anyway, the part about revelations…or epiphanies as I sometimes call them: I’ve had two since this whole thing started, and they came about either while I was using calming skills or immediately after. They’ve been about a couple weeks apart, I think. So I can see that about spurts 🙂