yoda,

Forgive me for stating the obvious, but you have hit it right on the head: you’re heartbroken. Having your ex wife be with someone else, after 20 years of marriage, is certainly very painful. Grieving about it helps. And you’re right: your heartbreak is not for her to fix. I must ask about the questions you’re asking: you’re asking her questions now that she’s with this other guy? If so, I wonder if you are allowing the wounds to rule you. It sounds like it.

I won’t pretend that I’ve been in this situation. I haven’t. But I do know what it’s like to dwell on something so completely that I wanted to commit suicide. I think that two things may help you: allow yourself to grieve for the loss of your wife in your life. It hurts. You may never get her back. It’s like a death, when someone you love dearly leaves. Grieve, but also practice helpful everyday skills–being in the moment, looking around at your surroundings, distracting with positive coping mechanisms (such as reading, going for walks, exercise). Say to yourself “I can handle this” or “I’m in pain, but I will get through” or whatever other positive statements about yourself…even if you don’t believe the statements. You can try imagery too: imagine yourself succeeding. What would success look like to you? Being free of the suicidal thoughts? Calm?

I don’t know if what I’m about to say will help, but I see a therapist (perhaps seeing a grief counselor or therapist may be a good idea for you?), and about 4 weeks ago he suggested many of the same things I’m suggesting to you, because I found myself up in my head, torturing myself to the point of thinking there’s no way out. If you don’t already practice such things, it’s going to feel awkward and useless probably–that’s how I felt 4 weeks ago. But the more I focused on getting out of the house (positive distractions, like the gym and friends), the more I went to bed each night and practiced conscious breathing (I still do this every night), the more I envisioned me succeeding, the less suffering I experienced.

Sounds like suffering is enveloping you. Try to practice the things I’ve mentioned. Try to honor yourself–you were married for 20 years; she must’ve seen something in you that was good. Try to find that goodness in yourself, and amplify it with practice…but do it for yourself, not for her, if you can. The idea is to soothe yourself…you very much need it. Try not to deny the pain, or temporarily allay it by asking her questions. Feeling your feelings, and building yourself up, will help you.

It took me a week of practicing mindfulness, meditation, imagery etc to see significant improvement in my own situation. Each person is different, and each situation is different. It may take you longer, or it may not. But the important thing is this: there is really only now, and if you’re focused on now, and not thinking about the pain or judging yourself or the situation, you cannot suffer. Being in the moment, the “now”, is typically quite difficult for a lot of people in Western society (myself included), but with practice it can be done.

Best wishes.