Dear jomacamp:

I read your post twice. What a pleasure it is to read skilled, talented writing. A treat for me this morning. Things I noticed:

You started writing since you were five: ” I’d write stories on onion skin paper, fold them up and hand them off to my parents.” You were told that “people can ‘see’ what I’m saying” in your writing. And yet, “No one in my family has ever asked me anything about my experience in growing up right in under their noses.”

Did they not read the onion skin papers you handed to them?

You write that you see their side, always weighing both sides, being objective: what is their side? You mentioned it is hard to have a gay child but you were way more than just gay, what is their side of not seeing you?

Regarding seeing your side, your attitude about your side of the story was “I shouldn’t utter a word about anything challenging since I was ‘the problem.’”

No wonder you have such a strong desire to “to show the world who I am.” This desire is born out of not being seen for too long. Isn’t it?

You wrote: ” I’m very objective – even when it comes to my personal life. I always try to see the other point of view.” And indeed your post here is mostly about other people and their motivations and regulations and about you caring for vulnerable children and your desire to be seen, heard, read.

What if you write something very subjective, so subjective that it hurts (more)- expose that pain of being unseen, of reaching out with those onion skin papers with your words when you were a child.

Peace of mind will come to you, I believe, only when that vulnerable child, you, becomes visible, very visible, to you. When you see her, deep inside, feel her pain, know, really know her. Until then, no job, no amount of impeccable writing, even published writing, even fame, will do.

anita