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Dear amaranth;
I wish I could write something to ELIMINATE the shame you have about throwing up. Throwing up is a way to reduce your anxiety and when not having a better way, it is the only way available to you to eliminate anxiety, however temporarily. Why feel shame for taking care of yourself the best you can at the moment?
Of course, inducing vomiting can hurt you physically and other ways should be tried that are not physically abusive. In any case, shame is not required. Buddhist techniques such as meditation and mindfulness sure beat vomiting. But no shame, please.
There are practical issues in your situation- if you had a big enough house you lived in right now, with plenty of space for the dogs and a whole room for your son and a yard area or recreational area for yourself, can you imagine how it would feel to you? I mean asking you: how would it feel, can you write about such a house and how you would take advantage of it? Daydream about it and write about it?
Curious about the last two lines, not having been taught about how to be an adult, can you write more about it?
I am going for a long walk now and hope to find a response from you. It is a learning opportunity for me and I do so hope it can be of some help to you. This is why I am asking the questions and suggesting the daydreaming above!
anita