Thank you for your insightfulness. Believe me, I feel terrible about the way I treated him. When we broke up the other night, I told him that I couldn’t stand the person I had become, and that I couldn’t do this to him anymore. It happened time and time again. I believe it was as a result of the frustrations (there’s that word again!) about not getting my needs met, which you asked what they might be. They weren’t unrealistic, to me, and he is far from clueless and has a lot of empathy. He’s a beautiful and wonderful person, which made this all the more difficult. He’s not in a good place in his life career-wise or financially, and has actually never been. I am not a gold-digger, am completely self-sufficient, and like it that way, but I want someone that can be somewhat equal with me in that realm to move forward into our older years, and that wasn’t going to be the case. Also, our sexual appetites and sexual characters were different, and it just didn’t feel like it meshed, and that’s a very important thing for me. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t earth shattering either. Yes, he was crystal clear about what I wanted and needed, and tried to change it, but by the time that happened, I had already begun to shut down and didn’t know who to get back the feeling of desire. It was gone, pretty much. Which is a big reason why I couldn’t go on anymore with this man. It’s very sad for me, because of who he is and how much he loved me. I’ve never had anyone love me like that my entire life, and can’t imagine that I ever will again, so I am mourning a huge loss. But at the same time, it got to the point that I didn’t want to see him, and even when I did, I was not happy to be around him. He would have gone on like this forever, and I just couldn’t anymore.

I am a loving person, and always have been. As I said, this abusive side of me is new. My daughter said to me last night, mom, I’ve never seen you like that with anyone else. And she adores my exboyfriend, but understands the issues I had with him. At this point, he is so angry, feeling like the breakup came out of left field, yet again, when the writing was on the wall, as it was the last time. He told me that if it happened again, it would be the last time, and he really has shut down. And he has. And through it all, he says I love you madly. It’s very tragic.

I agree with you that I need to apologize to him for the way I treated him. I mean, I have in the past, many times, and I did again the last time we talked a bit yesterday, although he really doesn’t want to talk to me right now, and I am going to respect that, difficult as it is. We both need some time with no contact and to heal, and it’s very hard for me. It sounds crazy, since I’m the one that wanted the relationship to end, not him.

I think a lot of what you wrote is very helpful. How do I learn from this at this point? What do I do now? I feel so lost, and now I’m crying again.