* Thank you, Jack! Your support means so much to me. It sure does!!!

Dear bulletww:

I like you being assertive about sticking to your thread and not being distracted otherwise!

Everything we think and feel happens between our ears, in the trillions connections between billions of neurons in any one of our brains. The experience with your ex girlfriend re-surfaced, or got TRIGGERED by the experience with the new woman in your life. The experience with your ex girlfriend was stored in certain neural connections, the fear was in those connections- not active because you did have closure about that relationship, and you moved on, so the connections that feel like fear, were dormant like. Then those connections got triggered and woke up. The dormant pathway (connection) was turned on, lights on, electricity running… chemicals released.

You wrote in one of the posts above: “I am scared of getting hurt, very scared.” This is the message of what you’ve been experiencing lately. You and the new woman expressed feelings toward each other, there is nothing official yet and the fear was triggered, the pathway/ connections formed in the past were triggered.

What to do? Fortunately your brain has many more neurons and connections than the ones triggered lately, some formed during the time you recovered from the previous relationship. You might want to remember what worked then, what thoughts and behaviors worked for you then to quiet the fear and distress of past (and … reactivate those pathways!)

Otherwise: thoughts. Engage in TRUE and realistic thoughts, not just any thoughts, not convenient, “feel good” thoughts, but think of what is true and real. You wrote in a post above: “My logical voice tells me she does care, all is ok”- I want to challenge this thinking and suggest that maybe you replace of augment it with truer thinking. The reason is that if a comforting thought is not convincing to you all the way, it will not be …strong enough to override the anxiety producing connections.

“She does care” your thought was. She probably does, she told you so. But not good enough, your fear says, after all the ex girlfriend cared at one point, and look what happened?

How do you combat that thought? That is logical, isn’t it?

Also “All is ok” is not convincing as well: at one point you thought all was okay with the ex girlfriend and look what happens, says the fear. How you combat that thought?

These are realistic thoughts I am suggesting, thoughts for you to consider and adopt if you believe in them completely (I am writing AS I am thinking these thoughts): She (the new woman) may care for me, and she may stop caring for me. If she cares for me (if what she said was true and she didn’t lie to me, to herself…) then the quality and intensity of her caring WILL change over time, this is a fact of life. It will change, get stronger, weaker, then stronger and stronger or weaker and weaker or it may stop all the way.

Now how can you be okay with this new thought?

Slowly, with awareness. If you agree with the thought (Let me know), then let it establish itself in your brain, try to be calm with it. It is reality. This fear will not go away no matter how long you calmly accept the reality of uncertainty. Fear is something everyone has to live with. Everyone has to find a way to live with fear. It cannot be eliminated. Some will stay: it is instinctual. Other parts of your brain can minimize the chances of you getting hurt by learning WHO the new woman is, over time, so that you get involved deeper and deeper over time with an honest and trustworthy woman. You get closer to her gradually, somewhat carefully, little by little and you observe and learn about who she is and what is reasonable to expect from her.

It is not ALL or NOTHING- you don’t jump into a relationship blindly and you don’t avoid the relationship all together. You go ONE LITTLE STEP AT A TIME, acknowledging with each and every step that nothing is guaranteed. And throughout the process, you manage the fear that will come up again and again in times of crises or otherwise.

You survived the last hurt and you thrived afterwards. This can be a lesson: the hurt you fear did not kill you and did not handicap you permanently. You can therefore, survive another hurt and thrive afterwards.

I am writing too much. Please take your time reading and contemplating my response here and do write back, I hope!

anita