Hi Anita,
yes, thank you for giving this more thought.
Perhaps I didn’t give enough detail-or wrote in a misleading manner.
We have discussed the divorce with her multiple times including what led to it, but have not divulged nitty gritty details of the who, where and why. She has plenty of information of what occurred. Any more information shared with her would border on overly intimate and vulgar details, so we are comfortable with what we’ve shared. She is clear on why the divorce occurred.
I don’t know if the divorce is the real conflict or not. Around the same time, her husband graduated law school and she felt I was underdressed for the occasion and embarrassed her by not interacting with her in-laws enough. I also took up biking at that time and she informed me it was a rather pedestrian activity for me to be engaging in. I had made a voluntary career change a few years before that which involved a demotion in pay but a wonderful renewed interest in my work (social work). My daughter was initially supportive and excited to see my enthusiasm re-ignited, but later became critical of my choice in working so hard to achieve and then taking 2 steps “backwards” just because I was burnt out on my job. This year I bought a house of my own, which I’m proud of. She’s embarrassed, it’s in a working class neighborhood, and often comments she doesn’t tell her in-laws or her friends where I live. In the past 2-3 years, I’ve worked hard to get some medical problems under control and a happy side effect is I’m very trim and healthy-which I had not been before, and she makes snide remarks about how that’s the one good thing about being poor- you stay skinny cause you can’t afford to eat.

So I don’t know- It could be the divorce, it could be a perceived social slight, loss in family social status– maybe she wants her PTA mom back, the one with the perfect hair & uptight manners. At this point, I’m saddened that our communication has devolved so greatly that she cannot share what it is that is wrong. Whatever our specific issues might be-we cannot get to them if I cannot get her to communicate with me.