Dear Arran:

I think that you are trying to be a perfect husband on your own, that is by yourself, without your wife. To be a GOOD ENOUGH husband you have to be part of a team with her. You are too used to being alone, from childhood on, on the outside looking in. TO be a good enough husband… go inside, go to where your wife is, hold her hands and say: I am so alone and have been so alone for such a long time. I didn’t consider that I can be together with you, that I don’t have to be alone. We can work together to have a good marriage, and together to be good parents. I need your help. I can’t do it alone.

The way it is, you are alone and she is alone. It will make the difference between night and day if you reach out to her, let her know you need her, that she is needed.

You are trying to be a perfect father from the outside, as well. You need to come “inside” to where your kids are, bend down so you look into their eyes, look at your child. If he seems sad, tell him: You look sad, and keep your eyes on his. You feel his sadness and your face express your own sadness. This mirrors to your child that he is feeling sad. You invite him to tell you what he feels and you listen. You come out of yourself, of worrying about your performance.

To be good husband, a good father, you don’t PERFORM, you INTERACT. You enter their world and allow them to enter your world.

You have been used to being alone all your life…as a child. You don’t really know any other way on an ongoing basis. Time to know another way.

What do you think? If you don’t know how to start talking to your wife, you might want to share this very thread with her. Hey, she can write to me… You know her, be one of a team of two with her.

anita