Sounds to me that as a child you learned that to get my needs met I must first makes sure everyone is happy…, because when they are happy and get what they need, then I will get my needs met. But it never happened. You may have internalized this as “I am not good enough” whats wrong with me”…, you were probably insecure. I think unconsciously you are afraid that if you stop managing and controlling others that you will lose control, but the opposite is true, but a part of you fears that your needs are not as important as the needs of others. Guilt for putting yourself first prevents you from loving yourself, and because you do not love yourself and believe deeply that you deserve to be happy are the causes for your lack of happiness. You also dont know yourself and how an you know what makes you happy if you don’t know who you are.
Examine your childhood. What made you feel safe? What didnt you get that you needed from your parents? Was your environment stable and secure?
You gotta get to the roots.
Reading the directly above post, re meditation…sounds like you have a lot of fear. I used to as well, I understand how you feel and whats going on in your mind. Are there any areas in your life that you feel powerless over? Wherever your pain is is where you will find love but you have to do the internal work of forgiveness healing. Meditation may quiet the chatter, but the chatter is the voice of your suppressed emotions. You may not even be aware of whats bothering you, but your subconscious does and with some good therapy you can face whatever it is you may be denying.
Rather than let the fear scare you which is so easy I know, thank it for bringing to your attention a part of you that needs healing.
Your self/ego isnt you, its afraid of you, your power. but it will lose its power when you forgive who or what took your power away…and forgive.
best regards