Dear Sarah:

The only problem I have with what you told her is that you told her that you like her as a friend, when the truth is that you no longer like her, like you wrote “I just don’t trust or like her”- so you lied to her just a bit so to … make her feel better.

I am all for the truth in most cases, and in this case. Notice it is SHE who has hurt you by being nasty and passive aggressive toward you for years. So you no longer trusting her or liking her is a CONSEQUENCE of her many actions. It is not your job to protect her from the consequences of her actions. It is not healthy for you or for her. It is not you hurting her, it is you naturally REACTING to HER hurting you.

You can’t help no longer trusting and liking someone who has hurt you again and again. It is natural and reasonable to lose such feelings to a source of pain.

It is a good practice for anyone dealing with people, to allow people to enjoy or suffer the consequences of … their own actions. This is the right thing to do, promoting one’s own healing and making it possible for others to learn from the consequences they experience so to have the opportunity to evaluate their behaviors.

Good job, Sarah. You did the right thing, don’t back off from doing the right thing and get even bolder, telling it like it is. Kindly, gently, fine, but the truth. “When you acted this way and that way (specifics), over time I lost my trust and liking of you and at this point I no longer trust you or like you.” Said with a calm, gently voice, this is as kindly as I could express myself and still remain true.

Now when you say the above, she may re-consider her behaviors and maybe try to make it up to you… and maybe over time she will and you will like her again…big maybe, but with the truth, at least she could behave better with the next person in her life and have a better life… as well as not hurt others.

anita