Hi Anita,

Thanks for responding. I’m a 19 year old man. When I said managing my emotions, I meant that this situation gets to me often during the day. If it’s not something I’m thinking about, it usually doesn’t bother me, but when I’m aware of it or reminded of it (which is often), it makes me feel like a failure, a fraud, and like I honestly shouldn’t be here. When I’m like that, it’s hard to get anything done or interact with anyone. I often start thinking about other things I don’t like about myself besides this, which isn’t good because I have to be at my best when putting myself out there. When I deal with it, I end up spending some time alone to try to get myself back in a good mental state. Some days it works better than others. I try to have compassion for myself but when I think about everything I find that difficult.

Honestly, growing up, I never felt as though my parents and I understood each other. I mentioned before that I felt disconnected from the world. I think that’s part of the reason why. I felt loved in terms of being taken care of, but being understood and accepted was important to me and I didn’t feel that way with my parents (they did spend time with me, but I often chose to be alone). In the last year I’ve gotten closer to them, spend more time with them, and feel more loved than I did before, though. I think it’s because I’m getting more involved in the real world. But still, I feel like I was the one in the wrong this whole time and that it’s my responsibility to understand them, not the other way around.

At uni, I’m not close with any of my peers. Part of it is that I don’the talk much and part is that I feel like an outsider due to my situation. I constantly watch myself to make sure I’m not coming across the wrong way to my peers, but I always feel like my attempts at this don’t work. I also don’t feel like anyone would accept me if they knew not only about my situation, but also about me as a person. I guess because I’ve lived in my own head for so long, it’s hard for me to relate to people and meet them where they are. I’ve not had much luck in relationships, either. They’ve just made me see how different we can all be, and how hard it can be to think well of myself when I’m able to hurt the other person even though I don’t want to. I always feel like I should be the giving one and I shouldn’t ask to be understood because I was in the wrong (not just in relationships, but in general).