Dear Joe

I like your writing, your descriptions of your extended family. Reads to me that they are clearly PROUD of being harsh, abusive, brutal, etc… as if it is a beautiful thing. I can’t think of the right words… they take pride in being obnoxious, that’s it, taking pride in being obnoxious, crude. They wouldn’t consider changing because… that wouldn’t be cool. Or it goes against the traditional Family Pride in being obnoxious.

If I didn’t know how devastating such behavior is for a child, maybe I’d think it is funny too.

And I think it is a conservative estimate, the 80%. I’d up it to.. 95%. Or higher.

And it is nurture, not nature, being obnoxious. Until an Obnoxious gene is isolated and identified, I am holding on to my nurture position.

Now, my question to you is: can you make the needed changes you need to make this year, make it so that you operate not as a “glutton for punishment” but operate for your own well being while you keep contact with family members? All of them?

I completely get your point about the futility of arguing with them (and taking away their source of Family Pride). So that will be useless, but considering your needs, what bothers you… certain assertions, will they be respected by any?

Maybe, maybe you can examine and determine who in your family you can have what kind of interactions so that you are not harmed by them? For example, if your parents are obnoxious with you in front of others (loyalty to… family pride) but not obnoxious with you in private, just them and you, maybe you can see to it that you get together with them ONLY when it is just you and them.

.. and if your older sister is obnoxious to you consistently (not always, I am sure, as she must take breaks), no matter where or when, maybe you can decide not to see her at all, or only in big family gatherings like Christmas. You can determine what limits to form and with whom.

Do you think this is important enough to figure out, for he purpose of the positive changes you intend to make this year?

anita