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Reply To: Stress and Anger with my husband

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Roxanna your boyfriend sounds like he definitely has an insecurity in the way he forms attachments to others (and even if he loves his parents, could have stemmed from there too). I am myself this way and didn’t realize it until entering my first serious relationships in adulthood. I am very close with my parents but certain ways that I was brought up and influenced by them and others (as well as having very low self esteem and shyness) still impact the more confident and outgoing adult I’ve become. What has helped me heal and take responsibility for my feelings was therapy, an understanding of codependence (as anita has mentioned) and especially the book on attachment styles (http://www.attachedthebook.com/about-the-book/). That book has been a soothing therapist for me on its own.

Your boyfriend has an anxious attachment style, though you sound relatively secure but just need some space, understandably. I would also read up on the 5 love languages. I, too, told my last boyfriend that while he seemed to think he was spending a lot of time with me, I wasn’t feeling fulfilled with it because it wasn’t the type of quality time (focused on each other, in deep discussions, etc.) that would’ve left me satisfied after a while and able to calm down and become more of my independent self again. I can also identify with not having as much of a support system initially which is very important to work on, but it does take a lot of time, effort, and patience on both of your parts. My first focus with your relationship would be gently helping him understand that while you love him and want to be supportive, he needs to find his own responsibility in his feelings. A couples counselor would be fantastic for that, I think.