Anita,
I can say the same to you. You could have responded to my comment with passive aggressiveness or dismissing it, but instead you chose to reply with raw vulnerability. It does take discomfort (at least for me) to express my concerns, but I believe it also takes equal discomfort for you to sincerely take the assertion in stride. I’ve never had someone respond to an assertion so positively. Honestly, I felt surprised in a good way and was smiling when I read your post. You have helped teach me that not everyone responds to assertions negatively, and that an assertion isn’t always a gateway to a heated argument.
As for my mom, she’s done both: she has done the half hearted apologies that, while they don’t feel like blows, they are definitely not apologies. It’s like the “I’m sorry you feel that way” defense. She has also apologized sincerely so it’s a mixed bag. She has the potential to be really manipulative.
I have felt “crazy” and “stupid” in the past because of this manipulation. Without going too much into detail, I felt she had made an elitest comment about my boyfriend (my boyfriend wasn’t there just FYI). I later confronted her about that, saying that while that might have not been her intention, I felt offended by her remark. She responded that it’s all in my head. When I respond with “no it’s not” she says “of course it isn’t” and then continues with how she can’t believe I can’t trust my own mother to not be an elitest, that because I know she isn’t an elitest I shouldn’t call her out when she says something that I find elitest. She has said “it’s all in my head” I believe another time and “you must have a lot of stuff going on in your head”, and she has said “you can’t expect me to be perfect” and has commented how she has felt I expect her to be so perfect. While she has only said the comment “it’s in my head” a couple times, it really hurt since years ago I experienced a period of clinical depression in high school and at times felt like a crazy person. She has also made comments like she would do this or this when she was my age… or so-and-so behaved like that. For instance, I expressed a grievance and she responded that my aunt is like that with a chip on her shoulder, but then she said “well she’s in her 40’s and you’re only in your 20’s”. It’s her way or the high way. My brothers and I have talked about it and have come to the same conclusion. While she would never kick me out of the house or do something that severe, what I’m trying to say is that if I express a deeper grievance (not a milder one like knocking on my door first before entering) we would have a heated argument and more often than not my feelings aren’t validated. I have learned that assertions usually come with heated arguments. When I imagine myself telling her these things I can picture her voice saying “you really do hold grudges…that is so in the past…” or I can imagine her saying “when have I ever done this?” and then I feel immensely stupid, crazy, and embarrassed and start questioning my sanity. Just the fact that I feel “overdramatic” and mildly crazy writing this stuff down indicates something is up. I guess I feel like I’m going against my mom who has done so much for me and that I’m betraying her by posting this for some reason.