@newlife123: That’s so true. There is no relationship without trust. I’ve had nightmares and feels like I’ve been living in one almost; I’ve mentioned that even when I’m with her I sometimes think of the stuff. At times I think maybe she wishes he was here saying that to her.. And also true, I’m fearful of the fact that it might happen again. Whether its ‘just’ her words, they still hurt like you say and even more deeply because I’d rather she just went and done it rather than make me think it.

I’ve told her previously what you said: that in all honesty I don’t have the same level of comfort or trust with her anymore. I never felt the need to mention another girl or make her jealous so why did she? Even when I mentioned another girl they’d always be a point behind the story and I’d always reassure her straight away and that’s something she didn’t do – she’d just talk and talk. It is unfinished to me and it does still hurt I guess – that’s why maybe now I feel so cold or distant when I’m talking with her. One thing I know for certain is that I don’t feel or look at her the same.

I definitely agree with that – what I explained to her is that she doesn’t seem to learn. The first guy, even if she did do it to make me jealous, she’d talk about a lot. We argued and argued about him and she’d told me how she never once seen him the way that she saw me. But I explained how speaking about another guy in glowing terms and constantly, what else was I supposed to think? And then here we are again.

I meant that when I said it – she’s caring, thoughtful and wouldn’t say or do anything intentionally to hurt another person. She always seems to think about other people’s feelings and she’d do anything to put a smile on someone else’s face even if they wouldn’t do the same. She’s innocent, naïve and doesn’t see people for what they are – always sees the good in them. She’s a special kind of breed. What hurts is sometimes I feel she’ll do anything to please others but can speak so freely and be clumsy with me – but there’s no doubting her love for me; I can see it in her eyes when I tell her I’m hurt and how much she regrets her actions. I’m her first love, the first ever guy she’s been close or let in. As well as that I’m practically her only and closest friend. She speaks to no-one else outside of work – they’re her only friends. Hope that helps 🙂

Adam